PT yesterday was much easier than in the past so I wasn’t expecting to wake up so sore. As soon as I moved I was aching. Mostly under my armpits and my “side boob”. This is where my entire lat muscle was threaded through to be placed at the base of my breast. It’s all muscular pain, I know that. It’s like when you go to the gym and workout real hard and really feel it the next day. It’s just such an odd place to hurt. My side boobs…bahhahahahaha. I also had my lats massaged out, which is more like deep penetrating pressure on them, so I think a lot of toxins were released just like they are with any massage. I tried to drink plenty of fluids to flush them out. I am such a wimp, I know. But sometimes you just can’t change who you are. Be it a wimp or a Beast.
I crashed pretty hard when I got home from work today. Normally I am very careful not to sit down when I get home from work until I get all my stuff done, but today I made the mistake of sitting for a second to pet Vee and Lola. Well, I woke up 2.5 hrs later with my coat still on and zipped, my sneakers on and my bag still on my shoulder. oops. Needless to say I wasn’t Patty productive when I got home from work today. Oh well, I guess I needed the rest more. I am really looking forward to the day that I am “normal” again and can do simple things without needing a nap. thursdays are usually my toughest days. I looI forward to not being constantly exhausted. I hope this isn’t a permanent state.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
So the last time I posted, I was telling you all how tired I was. Yes, I am still exhausted, shattered would probably be a better term, but I got a break today. I work with a very amazing group of people. Sometimes, when patient census is lower and we have a lot of nurses working we get flexed down (people get the option to go home early, if no one volunteers, we have a list that shows who is next). Well today, my co-workers were nice enough to let me be the one who got to leave work early. It was so considerate of them because oh my goodness do I need a nap and my body needs a break.
Its amazing what the human body can do when you just tell yourself you have to. I am amazed with myself everyday at how far I have come. My body has been through so much, but I did it. I still have a long way to go, I know this, and I need to keep that in mind, but with people looking out for me at work like they do, I don’t have to stress so much about staying afloat.
Thank you ladies for letting me be the one that was able to leave work to come home and rest. I appreciate your kindness more than you know.
I am completely crushed. I mean, one look at me and you can tell I’m shredded. But, I must say that it is a completely satisfying kind of tired. I went to work and helped someone today. I am useful. I am productive. I am needed by someone. I care for people throughout the day and it feels good. Really good. It especially feels good when I work with women who are going through something similar to what I went through. I can offer some insight, and really understand how they may be feeling. This whole journey has been something that I have shared with whoever wanted to read, but the experience is one that is mine alone. No one can jump into my head and really know what it’s like. It would have been nice to have someone that could tell me who really knew that it would get better. What to possibly expect. I had MANY,MANY, MANY people who could tell me what I might be able to expect, or that it will be ok and I may have some discomfort, but they can’t really know because they haven’t experienced it. I appreciate all of the love and support, I am not diminishing that. It would be like me telling another woman what childbirth is like. Sure, I can give you the nursing knowledge behind it and what I have heard other women say, but I myself have never experiences it. I am not claiming to know what these women are feeling on a daily basis, what’s going on in their head, or their level of pain, but I HAVE been there, and I have an understanding ear that can listen and tell them what I experienced if they want to know. Many times patients say they hurt a lot, and a nurses response is sometimes, I understand. This is when I can say I TRULY understand. This is when I feel useful. I feel that I have a purpose. Maybe I can do something with that in the future. So even though going back to work full time is exhausting, it’s good for my soul.
I also feel needed when I walk in the door at night. My dogs are so happy to see me it’s ridiculous! This is the best feeling in the world. They follow me around, sit outside the shower until I’m done, “help” me cook dinner aka sit and wait for something to drop, make it hard to breathe while stretching because they insist on licking my face so much, and then they always need to be within an arms reach of me. Love this part of my life.
So while I am ripped to shreds every night, I’m doing it, and I am glad to be back.