Author Archives: traci.rocco@gmail.com

Another day down.

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Today was a pretty good day.  Had a much easier time getting up to go to the bathroom. Able to eat  some and I even took a walk down the driveway to the mailbox to get the mail!  Success!  My JP drains,( I have 4) have been putting out less and less fluid every day.

jp's

I get tired pretty easy, but have been trying to limit my naps.  I wanna try and stay awake during the day in hopes to sleep through the night.  Trying to decrease my pain medications, but I still need them.  i guess that’s what they are there for.  I’m pretty sore under each armpit and on the lateral aspect of each of my breasts.  It’s weird, because I don’t have sensation when someone touches but it hurts. Hard to put into words.

Do do you know what makes my recovery 100% better?  My Mom.  She came and picked me up from the hospital (car rides suck!) and has been here taking care of me.  She cooks yummy food ( I don’t really have an appetite), helps me get cleaned up, washes and dries my hair, sets her alarm to get up in the middle of the night so I can get my medicine, and keeps me very entertained.  I am so very blessed to have her here.  No body can take care of you like your mom.  I don’t know how people do this without a strong support system.

thank you Mom, this would be HORRIBLE without you. I love you.

Relief

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Whew, what a relief that it’s over!  I ended up being in surgery for 12 hrs.  It seemed short for me, but from listening to other people it was torture.  I remember waking up and thinking “Wow, that was fast!” I asked the nurse in recovery what time it was and he told me  900.  900  pm….holy moley!

So, what does it kfeel like?  It feels like all of my muscles from my belly button to my neck are in one big knot!  It took a while for them to get my pain medication balanced.  I had a morphine PCA and the only thing that really did for me was make me fall asleep.  They took that away early yesterday morning and gave me some Valium ( to help with cramping) and 2 percocets.  That worked miracles!  Then they changed my meds to dilaudid pills.  They did nothing for me either but  make me sleep.  so back to the Percocet I went.  My pain is pretty well controlled now.

My face…let’s talk about this for a minute.  For this procedure, I started laying on my back while the breast surgeon removed all of the tissue.  Then when she was done, the flipped me onto mu front.  Apparently the way I was laying, the tube that supports my breathing put pressure on the sir of my moth.  It’s pretty red a cracked…who wants to kiss me ;).   My chin must have been resting on something because it is all red and swollen.  My entire upper body feels tight, bit let me tell you, I feel so much better today than yesterday.  Yesterday I felt like I got hit by a truck, today I feel like I got run over by a Mini Cooper. hah! ok, this is about as much typing as my T-Rex arms can handle today.

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4:36 am

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Before I get started on my journey, I wanna take a minute to talk about Jim.  Jim is one of my dearest, closest friends and one of the 287 crew.  He lost his mother this past week to a long hard journey through brain cancer.  Today is her funeral and I am so sorry I can’t be there buddy.  He has spent the last year of his life caring for and spending time with his mother.  I am so proud of you Jim, you have a heart of gold.  Your mother was truly a diamond in the rough.  So if everyone could stop for a second and send a prayer up for some strength for him to get through this day I would appreciate it.  Send the good vibes his way. Love you Jim.

It’s 4:36 am and we are driving to the hospital.  Today is the day, I have to be there at 6 am.  Thankfully I am the first case!  I’m waiting for the nerves to finally kick in.  Maybe they will when I get to the hospital? God has my back (and my front). I feel good, I am ready to go.

You know what is making me nervous?  My husbands driving.  Poor E, I think he’s way more nervous than I am.

I wonder if I will be the person who wakes up from anesthesia and cries, or punches, or acts drunk, or says something stupid, or the one who tells you my deepest darkest secret.   I bet I’m the one who wakes up and does something really embarrassing…oh goodness, I hope they don’t tell me if I do.

I’m ready for this part to be over.  I can’t believe its finally here. How am I going to feel emotionally? I have no idea, hopefully I will feel relieved.  Don’t worry, I am sure I will let you all know.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

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Hot pink socks and neon Nikes

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When you test positive for a BRCA1 mutation, you need to be hyper vigilant about screening.  They recommend a mammogram and MRI rotation.  If you want more info check out:

www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/BRCA

So about my “super screening”….

Let me just start off by saying that I don’t know how this stuff happens to me, but it does.  It was time for my breast MRI and this particular day I had to work and was going to my MRI directly after.  I didn’t pay much attention to what I wore this day.

I get to my appointment and they call me back to a changing room, tell me to take off all of my clothes except for my underwear, socks and shoes and put on 2 gowns, one open in the front and one that opens in the back on top…ok, I remember thinking “this is weird”. I  get to changing and turn around to look in the mirror and I am standing there in hot pink socks, neon green Nikes, and a hospital gown that comes to just below my knees.  We are talking supermodel quality here.  I knew it was bad because when I went to the room where they start your IV’s, the lady laughed.  Never good.  They start my IV and she leads me back to the MRI room where there was a closed in MRI and two women.  The older lady looks at me and says “take off your gown and get up on the table on your hands and knees”. What.the.hell?  Am I in the right place? What exactly are they gonna do to me?

So picture this:  Me, up on a table on my hands and knees in my underwear with hot pink socks and neon Nikes.  Lovely. I mean truly lovely.  Then the lady says ” see those two holes In the table? I need you to lay down and put your boobs in them.  She seriously was my new favorite person at this point. Bossy much? I wanted her to walk over and stick her boobs in the holes to demonstrate. Hah.  I do as she says, and then two women come to each side, reach under the table, grab my knockers and reposition them.  Awkward much?   They have me put my arms up on either side of my head and out infront of me.  So now I am laying on this table like superman with my boobs in holes in hot pink socks and neon Nikes. Go me.  Miss bossy pants places a remote in my hand and says “here is your panic button”. PANIC BUTTON ? You have got to be kidding me… did I say she was my favorite? I am a liar.  She then asks me what kind of music I wanna listen too and proceeds to tell me that they have Sirius.  Sweet. I tell her I wanna listen to alternative music. You know, Bastille, Pearl Jam, the neighbourhood, etc. Get my drift?  She jams these earphones in my ears (gosh I hope they were new) and turns on the music.  It was jungle music.  That was her idea of alternative.  I swear she was doing it just to torture me.  Great…  If you have ever had a closed MRI you know that they are loud.  I’m talking like construction workers are pounding on the outside of the machine.  clic click click, boom boom boom boom boom screeeeeeeeech click click click boom boom bang!   You get my point.  45 minutes of construction noise + jungle hymns = pure bliss.   I did not have to use my panic button but I thought about it once just to give my ears a rest.  MRI’s are fun!!!

moral of the story…hot pink socks and neon green Nikes are never a good idea.

Glad you thought of that…

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I have great friends.

great.freakin.friends

They think of things that I will need for after my surgery that didn’t even cross my mind. Apparently they have been doing some research…

Today, Bev, Julie, and Keri asked me to come into the break room at the end of the day.  Today was Danielle’s bridal shower.  Good luck Danielle, I hope your big day is all you want and more.  I figured they wanted me to sit and enjoy another piece of the 8×10 fat girl pizza that we chowed down on at lunch since Julie wasn’t there.

Nope. They had baskets full of stuff for me to help make my recovery easier.

  • 2 new pairs of button up p.j.’s
  • a button up sleep shirt
  • slippers
  • bath gloves (touch yourself and your clean. Stellar)
  • 2 cans of spray deodorant.no hoagies here!
  • a bunch of wife beaters, I’m probably gonna feel like I was beat
  • spray on lotion
  • cottonelle wipes and baby wipes.  (Gosh I hope I can wipe my own ass)
  • a back scratcher ( maybe I can rig up something with this and the cottonelle wipes…hmmm ;))
  • a long handled loofah side note…I love this word. Loofah.looooofah.
  • a super soft comfy blanket (in my favorite color, white)
  • a 4lb bag of candy corn.  I have a serious problem with candy corn, it’s like crack for me. I just can’t say no.  12 step program here I come!
  • super soft socks.  This is gonna be a big issue.  I hate not having socks on. I have been practicing putting them on. but, if I can’t, they bought me…
  • febreeze to spray on my week old crusty socks.  They thought of everything!!
  • chap stick (EOS and Burt’s bees.  My favorites)
  • hand sanitizer
  • a box of individual MiraLAX…nothing like a group of nurses to be concerned about your b-hole! Hah
  • little bottles of body wash because it will be hard to hold big bottles of things.
  • candy…candy…did I say candy?   I’m not a big chocolate fan, but could live on fruity candy like starburst and skittles.  They are fruit right?
  • an electronic toothbrush.  Why didn’t I think of this?
  • Mouthwash.
  • Toothpaste ( I am sensing a trend here. No Dragonbreath here)
  • aquaphor
  • gold bond itch cream
  • small cans of Perrier.  i love this stuff and I drink it like it’s going out of style.
  • coconut water tetra packs.  Another one of my weird obsessions.
  • and a bunch of packs of cinnamint gum. Who needs to brush their teeth when they have all that delicious freshness in a stick?!  Kidding…or am I?
  • and last, but certainly not least, a hot pink and black leopard print GoGo Pillow.  It’s three pillows in one.  It’s multifunctional.  It is hideous.  Hideously awesome.  They get me, they really,really get me.  This pillow proves it.  It’s comforting that my favorites understand and share in my humor.

I love your guts Bev, Julie, and Keri. You are good souls.  And what does that song by the Starsailors say?

“Thank goodness for the good souls. They make life better. As I turn to you and I say. If it wasn’t for the good souls, life would not matter.”

MAD.LOVE

God is good, and I’ve got the proof…

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I wake up this morning to a massive amount of well wishes and support on Facebook.

holy.crap. Do I know this many people?!?

I am flabbergasted (such a good word).

FLA-BER-GASTED!

I can’t believe how many people took a few seconds out of their day to leave me a note.  People from elementary, middle, high school, all of my many colleges, co-workers, family, acquaintances, and friends of friends.  I haven’t talked to some of these people in years.  People have shared my blog on their pages and  told others about what I’m doing.  Hopefully this will help others.

There are two people that really made me really realize how blessed I am to have such good people in my life.

First, Lercy.  Lercy is a woman that I work with.  Poor Lercy, she is the only person on our unit that fluently speaks Spanish, and in the area where I live there are many Spanish speaking people.  Anyways, we were sitting in the break room on Friday having our lunch and the girls and I were talking about all if the things I had to do this past weekend to get ready for this surgery (cooking,cleaning, running errands, etc.). I was really dreading the cleaning, and Lercy sits there all quiet and just looks at me and says “Would you like some help? I would be happy to come and help you clean!”  i thought this was so nice.  Who offers to help somebody clean? Lercy does.  Thank you Lercy, you are too kind.

Second is a friend I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time.  He lives out in LA and works in the entertainment business.  As I am laying in bed last night my phone beeps and I see he sent me a personal message on Facebook.  He apparently knows a lot of high profile MD’s out there and offered to get me in contact with some of those Dr.’s if I have any questions at all.  He offered his support and told me if I need an opinion or anything at all he could put me in touch with the right people.  Wow.  The fact that he would go out of his way to help me out blew my mind.  So very generous you are Kris.  Thank you.

I’m just an average girl, living an average life who made a not so average  decision.  You know what is not so average?!?!?!  The amount of people I have on my team.  Wow. Just wow.  This morning my heart is the size of a hot air balloon.

God is good and he reminds us of this everyday by the acts of kindness he has us do for others.

Of course I did…

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I’m glad I don’t believe in luck because if I did I would be the most depressed person you could meet.  I was letting these two little nuggets outside yesterday and as I was reaching for the door I pulled a muscle in my neck/back.  Seriously…what the hell.  Who does that?  Apparently I do.  Now I smell like icy hot and look like I’m wearing an imaginary cervical collar.

Lola Vee

Well hey there

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Ok, here it is….my first attempt at blogging so please be patient with me.

What’s the point? Well, there are three actually.

  1. This is for my sister Annie. She’s BRCA1 positive too. We both have burdened boobies and it’s my hope that this blog will help lift some of that burden off of her when it comes time for her procedure.
  2. I am lucky enough to have a multitude of family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances (and hopefully some people who are curious) that care about my well being.  This blog is so that they can follow my journey and get a glimpse into what my recovery is like.
  3. This is a BIG deal.  I didn’t get to this point by waking up one day and saying “I think I’m gonna get my boobs cut-off!” Sure, it’s a no-brainier for me, but it took me a while to accept that yes, I am going to have major surgery. I work in the PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) so I have seen women who have this done and have seen the immediate recovery phase.  I know there are people out there that don’t get it and hopefully this will give them a peek into my head. (Oh Lord, help them, they are in for a treat) BUT, there are people who do get why I have made this decision and this is for them.  If this blog helps just one person gain some perspective or eases some of their fears and doubts then I will consider it a success.

I want you all to know that this is NOT going to be all rainbows and butterflies and I am not going to make you think that it is.

It is going to hurt. A lot.

It’s going to cause me to have T-Rex arms for a while

I will look like a 15 year old boy from the waist up. (for a short while)

I will have 2 drains in my chest and two in my back that will piss me off I am sure.

I will act like someone peed in my Cheerios (hopefully not for long).

These are things I am expecting, but the truth of the matter is that I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ALL OF THIS WILL BE. It’s not real to me until it happens and it’s happening Wednesday. Am I nervous? Not right now, but ask me Tuesday and I’m sure I will give you a different response.

ok, enough for now…

t