Tag Archives: BRCA1 positive

Nip, nip hooray!!!

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Nip, nip hooray!!!  I got me some nips!  Everything went as planned during the surgery and I am recovering well.  My throat is sore from the stupid ETT and my pee smells (anesthesia pee…yuck!) but other than that things are looking good!  This time they gave me these nipple shields that make me look like I have headlights (I will post a pic on the pic page).  They are funny, Liz thinks they look like mini fish bowls. Bahahaha.  They are a little difficult to hide under clothes, so I am sure I will get a bunch of strange looks when I am out and about.  I may decorate them.  No pain there though!!!! The Dr. Extended my lat scar on the right another 2 inches or so under my arm so that he could revise my muscle flap.  I think it was for cosmetic reasons to take down some of the bulk there, but that’s were I am sore. I will pos a pic of that as well.  I wouldn’t call it pain, more of a deep ache. He must have really manipulated that sucker, and the incision site burns a bit.  Not too bad!  God was looking out for me like he always does.  I am still in awe of the the skills He has blessed people with.  To be able to recreate body parts and make people feel good about themselves in what could be a truly horrible situation is remarkable.  Well done Dr. Greaney.

Lets hope the bad boys take!!! I will keep you all updated!

Addaniptomy

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Addaniptomy (add-uh-nip-tah-me):  definition- the surgical procedure of creating a nipple for someone with Barbie boobs.

Or at least that’s what my co-workers came up with when deciding on a new name for my nipple reconstruction.   Sounds so much more medical to me.  So there you have it…my made up name for what is to hopefully be my last surgery in this over year and a half journey.  Yes, we have attempted this before, and the outcome wasn’t stellar (duh, I have Barbie boobs) but if at first you don’t succeed and all that crap. 😜  One more try and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.  No biggie… tattoo city here we come.  This time, instead of just reconstructing from my existing grafts, they will be using a biological mesh under the newly constructed tissue to help add support and projection to my wimpy Casper skin. At first he (the plastics dude) had said he was going to use cadaver skin…uuuummmmm…I could have really given my nips names then…old Frank and Charlie, or whoever the past owners names were…bahhahahahaha.  That kinda weirded me out but he decided a mesh was the way he wanted to go.  Wouldn’t that be some shit if I did have cadaver skin supports and ended up having haunted nipples?!?!  Now there is a phrase I bet you never heard before…haunted nipples.  This is all set to go down next Thursday the 28th, and God willing things will go smoothly.  Yet another experience in this crazy journey.  Hopefully this time next week I will be shouting “nip nip hooray!”

FYI

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FYI… Incase you all don’t know, I used to work as a nurse in PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) and have come across many women who have had mastectomies with a latissimus dorsi flap reconstruction. Frequently I hear these patients say that their doctor told them that they would never be able to hold their arms up over their head, swim, play tennis, or start a lawn mower ever again. I find this to be odd. Sure, I had intense physical therapy which is probably the reason that I can do all of these things, but I CAN do all of these things. With ease. In fact, I just finished hiking 24 miles rim-to-rim across the Grand Canyon with a 30 lb pack on my back and didn’t have any issue. I am pleased that my doctor pushed me to go to physical therapy, and thankful that my physical therapist took the time the make sure I was able to function normally. So for all of you out there that are facing the same things that I have, there is hope that things will eventually return to normal. Right now they may seem hopeless and so far away, but as someone who has been through it, you will get there. God is good, and has engineered the human body to be able to endure and overcome. Hang in there!

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Nipple reconstruction

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So I am finally onto the last step.  I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon last Friday to re-evaluate my readiness for nipple reconstruction.  The last time I was there, my scars were still too active to be able to proceed with this step.  He wanted me to wait a few months to see if things would settle down and “fall” into place.  Bahahaha.  Literally.  I have noticed that I am not symmetrical, but I didn’t know if it was just me being overly critical because I obsess a bit over this, or if I really was a little “off”.  The appointment went well.  He agreed with me that things were not symmetrical, and said that he could fix that when I go into the OR to have my reconstruction done.  He told me that it’s hard to get the placement correct because you never truly know how the implants are going to settle into the pocket he created.  I can’t say enough how much I like my plastic surgeon.  I really think that’s a large reason why everything has gone so smoothly for me throughout the entire process.  He was very pleased with how things were progressing.  Apparently I scar well.  That sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.  My lat scars have almost completely disappeared, and none of my scars are raised like a keloid.  That’s ++ for me!  It never fails, during my plastic surgery appointments  I make him laugh (inadvertently) with something “random” as he says.  So as I have shown in a previous picture, my nipple grafts have hair on them.  Eeeeeewwww. Nipple hair.  Say that out loud.  It makes your nose wrinkle in disgust just saying it.  This REALLY bothers me.  The skin grafts were taken from my back, and apparently I have a hairy back.  It’s not like its dark hair, it’s very light and fine like my arm hair and you can barely see it, but I KNOW it’s there and it needs to go.  So, I flat out asked him how to get it to go away.  He laughed and said “I love how you had a major operation and the only thing that has really bothered you throughout the process is a little bit of hair on you grafts”.  He said the only thing that will really get rid of the hair is laser hair removal.  Just the thought of having that part of my body lasered makes my non-existent nipples hurt.  The only stipulation is that I have to have it done at least 2-3 weeks before my nipple reconstruction is done.  Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, it’s scheduled for July 17th.  I finally get my nipples!  Woohooo!  Anyways, I researched some places that do laser hair removal treatments, called around, and luckily I have a consult tomorrow and if I decide to go ahead with it they will do it right then.  I love it when a plan comes together.  😉 Talk about awkward phone call.  “Uh, yes, I am calling because I want the hair removed from my nipples”  I wanted to dig a hole and place my head in it.  Thankfully, they didn’t even seem to think it was odd.  I know they are professionals and do this all the time, but still… So, tomorrow I embark on yet another experience I never in a million years thought I would have…nipple laser hair removal.  Bahahahahaha. Thank the Lord that I still don’t have much sensation, because from what everyone says about laser hair removal, it feels like someone is flicking you with a rubber band over and over.  Great!!!  I will let you all know how it goes!

My Mom

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Just wanted to let everyone out there know (if they didn’t already) that this past year would have been MUCH more difficult (maybe impossible) if not for my Mom. She was there for me throughout my entire surgical recovery. She put her life on hold for 2 months to come and take care of me when it was difficult to take care of myself. She stocked my freezer full of food, helped me do the simplest of things (which at the time were the most difficult things) like wash my hair, put socks on, get out of the recliner, brush my hair, heck, you name it, she was there helping me with it. She even emptied my JP drains for me even though she said beforehand that she was sure she wouldn’t be able to do that. She drove me back and forth from Philly 2-3 times a week to get me to the doctor. She cooked for me, cleaned my house, took care of my dogs, shoveled my driveway a billion times (Uuuugh). So if you all didn’t know how awesome my mom was before, you do now. Thank you Mom for everything you have done to help me through this year. It means more than you will ever know. I am blessed to have been given a Mom as wonderful as you. I love you!

It has been a while…

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It has been a while…

Which is a good thing in my book.  I am finally falling into a nice rhythm.  The nerve pain seems to have eased up a little.  The muscle spasms are much less frequent (thank goodness). Every day is getting easier.  I’m not gonna lie to you, the first month back to work was EXHAUSTING.  I don’t think I have ever been that tired and worn out continually in my life.  But, for all of you out there, it does get better.  I don’t finish every day blown to smithereens.  When I first returned to work, I couldn’t sit down when I got home until I had completed everything I needed to do.  If I did, I would be toast.  Burnt to a crisp kind of toast. There were days that I made that mistake, only to wake up 2hrs later with my badge, shoes, and winter jacket on with my car keys still in my hand.  Now when I get home, I feel like a “normal” person.  Sure, I am tired, but it’s just the kind of tired you get from standing and working all day.  My scars are feeling better.  Regular bras don’t bother my lat scars even close to as much as they did.  I’m not having any pain and my ROM is very good.  No problems reaching for things for this girl.  I have noticed that I have a hard time doing things like tricep dips.  I have a feeling that has to do with the new position of my lats.  I continue to do my PT. It really isn’t difficult anymore, just an annoyance that I have to do it, but I will continue to do it because no matter how much I hated it, I feel that PT helped me the most. So, if there are any words of advice that I can offer someone having this procedure, having gone through it myself, it is DO THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.  I read a lot of other peoples blogs who are still having lots of pain 6 months, a year, 2 yrs out, and I often wonder if they were offered the extensive PT that I was and if they continually did it.  I am almost 2.5 months out from my last surgery and I must say, I FEEL GOOD!!!!  So ladies that are doing research about possibly having this done, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better!  And if any of you out there have questions, leave me a message on here, I will happily answer!  God is good.

6 week post-op appointment

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So I got this Pin from my friend Julie Hamilton yesterday and I couldn’t stop laughing.

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Apparently I like boob humor.

Tomorrow is my 6 week post-op appointment.  Can you believe it has been 6 weeks?

I CANT.

In one respect it feels like all of this happened so long ago, but on days like today when I’m sore and tired, it feels like it just happened a week ago.  It’s mostly my back that is giving me issues.  Lately even when I lean back against a chair my scars bother me.  It’s uncomfortable, I wouldn’t say it’s pain, just discomfort.  That also causes a problem when I go to wear a “normal” bra.  The part that goes around my torso cuts right across my scars and makes them uncomfortable.  That area also feels tight.  My lats are still connected in the back up near my shoulders, but they wrap under my armpits and are settled at the base of my breasts.  I really only tend to feel this when I am having a muscle spasm or if my boobs lock up.  Gosh, I sound like a car.  Bahhahahahaha.  Sometimes they do Tho.  If I have a particularly strenuous day at work, or if I have been doing a lot of things with my arms, they stay almost in a constant state of contraction and that is not comfortable.  Sure, I have Valium for the muscle spasms, but I can’t take it until I get home, because yes, that whopping 2.5 mg dose still makes me sleepy.  I swear, my body doesn’t build up tolerance to things.  Tomorrow is the day that I am possibly going to be getting the steroid shots in those scars.  Hopefully that helps the situation.

I am interested to see what he has to say about the areas on my breasts that are “leaking” .  I have serous fluid that comes out from around my nipple graft somewhere.  Hopefully it’s nothing. I am starting to get some sensation to my breasts.  I can feel deep sensation.  For example, if you were to press on my breast I would be able to feel it at the base of my breast and the sides and I would feel the pressure.  But I can’t feel surface things.  If I scratch the skin, I can’t feel it yet.  It’s a real pain in the tit when you have a phantom nipple itch and can’t scratch it.  (There is a sentence you don’t read everyday!). Seriously almost caused me to lose my mind one night.  I can’t imagine what it would feel like to lose an arm or a leg.

Hopefully tomorrow goes smoothly and the shots don’t hurt too bad because I have to drive myself to meet Pinder so we can see Noah.

Sore

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PT yesterday was much easier than in the past so I wasn’t expecting to wake up so sore.  As soon as I moved I was aching.  Mostly under my armpits and my “side boob”.   This is where my entire lat muscle was threaded through to be placed at the base of my breast.  It’s all muscular pain, I know that.  It’s like when you go to the gym and workout real hard and really feel it the next day.  It’s just such an odd place to hurt.  My side boobs…bahhahahahaha. I also had my lats massaged out, which is more like deep penetrating pressure on them, so I think a lot of toxins were released just like they are with any massage.  I tried to drink plenty of fluids to flush them out.  I am such a wimp, I know.  But sometimes you just can’t change who you are.  Be it a wimp or a Beast.

I crashed pretty hard when I got home from work today.  Normally I am very careful not to sit down when I get home from work until I get all my stuff done, but today I made the mistake of sitting for a second to pet Vee and Lola.  Well, I woke up 2.5 hrs later with my coat still on and zipped, my sneakers on and my bag still on my shoulder.   oops.   Needless to say I wasn’t Patty productive when I got home from work today.  Oh well, I guess I needed the rest more. I am really looking forward to the day that I am “normal” again and can do simple things without needing a nap.  thursdays are usually my toughest days.  I looI forward to not being constantly exhausted.  I hope this isn’t a permanent state.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

PT no more?

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I had PT today.  First time in a little over a month, and I must say it wasn’t that bad.  I do my PT twice daily at home, but I haven’t had to take the time to drive into Philly like I was doing weekly before.  They were really impressed with my ROM, apparently I am better than “normal” and they were impressed with my strength.  2 points for T.  It was the standard appointment, moist heat, manipulation, more manipulation, massage, exercises ( I got bumped up to the blue band, strength level 3) then some stretching.  Then I got my lat scars massaged out.  Now you hear massage and think “ooohhh, i bet that felt good” no. Nope. Negative. Absolutely freakin not.  That crap hurts.  But, in the grand scheme of what I have been through, I feel like a huge weenie complaining about a little scar massage.  He was very pleased with my progress but told me I look tired and was a bit worried about that.  I told him the truth, that I am in a constant state of tired, but it’s tolerable.  and honestly, no matter when I would have returned I would be the same amount of tired.  It’s a conditioning process and I am still “in training”.  I am trying to optimize my diet so that I can ward off all of these colds that are going around (knock on wood), so I can heal faster, lose a few, and be clean inside and out.  So, no processed anything, very limited red meat ingestion, no alcohol, fish at least 2 x a week (none from pacific coast or imported from other countries), natural sugars, only from fruit, whole grains only, at least 2 probiotic servings daily (I <3 kefir), olive oil and flax seed oil, a high quality protein serving at every meal,  at least 90 oz. of water daily, and lots of green tea.  Why am I doing this?  If I did something as radical as prophylactically removing my breasts and reconstructing them, wouldn’t it be stupid to shove crap in my mouth?  What would be the point of all this if i continue to abuse my body in other ways.  It’s kind of a no brainer for me.  This surgery is an eye opening experience.  Surgery is not the end all fix all for everything, so I need to treat my body like the temple that God created and properly nourish it.  Ok, rant over.

So back to the whole title of post.  I didn’t have to make a new appointment for PT.  Dr. Greaney only has office hours on Monday and Friday.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, an outside physical therapy company uses the office for all of the patients that need PT.  The nurses are there, and on Wednesdays the nipple tattoo guy is there, but no docs.  He is going to come in on April 4th (Friday) when I see Dr. Greaney to evaluate me.  He is going above and beyond, coming in to the office on a day that he is not to be there, all to accommodate me.  Wow.  People do nice things all the time.  This helps me so much because I don’t need to make special arrangements with work for another appointment, I can combine the two.  I have a feeling that he will release me from PT then.  You have all read the words that I have put in this blog about hating PT, but in all honesty, it has helped me more than I care to admit.  I am tired daily now, but if I wouldn’t have been put through the vigorous PT,  I would be in super bad shape.  And I would probably still have T-Rex arms.  Apparently most people choose not to do the PT.  I can’t imagine they have had such great results like I have.  I am thankful for it, no matter how much I bitched about it.

Another hurdle jumped….only a few more to go.

Nice

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So the last time I posted, I was telling you all how tired I was.  Yes, I am still exhausted, shattered would probably be a better term, but I got a break today.  I work with a very amazing group of people.  Sometimes, when patient census is lower and we have a lot of nurses working we get flexed down (people get the option to go home early, if no one volunteers, we have a list that shows who is next).  Well today, my co-workers were nice enough to let me be the one who got to leave work early. It was so considerate of them because oh my goodness do I need a nap and my body needs a break.

Its amazing what the human body can do when you just tell yourself you have to.  I am amazed with myself everyday at how far I have come.  My body has been through so much, but I did it.  I still have a long way to go, I know this, and I need to keep that in mind, but with people looking out for me at work like they do, I don’t have to stress so much about staying afloat.

Thank you ladies for letting me be the one that was able to leave work to come home and rest.  I appreciate your kindness more than you know.

Long time, no post

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It’s been a while since I have posted and there is a reason for that.  This phase of my recovery has easily been the hardest part.  It is hard to to work everyday.  But the hardest part is trying to manage all of the other aspects of my life along with working a full time job.  By the end of the day I am mentally and physically exhausted. There is cooking and cleaning, and bill paying and trying to figure out ways to schedule appointments, sick husbands, emergency vet trips, call, and two time a day PT. I by no means am complaining, I am just trying to adjust.  I am adjusting, s      l                o                      w                                     l                                              y.

Everyday I am exhausted.  Like if I sit down I won’t get back up kind of exhausted.  But I get up and do it because I have to.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and just do it.  My biggest problem is my back.  Everyday after work it hurts.  Some days are better than others, but today its particularly bad.  Today was my 10th day of work in row.  Two more to go and then I get a break.  When is this back pain gonna end? I don’t know. But I do know it’s temporary and will soon stop.  I’ve been having some pain under my armpits too but it’s all muscular from my lats.  So when I come home I can take the Valium prescribed for the muscle spasms and there is relief.  The muscle spasms are getting better in the front base of my breasts, but still very present in my under arm area.

I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for this transition.  So I am trying very hard to hold it all together and get everything done.  So 530 am wake ups, to get exercises and some chores done before work, then work, then home to cook dinner do some more chores only to pass out as late as I can possibly stand.  Which is usually 10.  Last week I got done with work early one day, came home, napped from 430-800 got up, used the bathroom, and went back to bed.  I don’t even think I really sleep, I think I fall into a coma.

I will get it together,  it’s just taking me a long time, and my body can only heal so fast.  This is all temporary.  That seems to be my mantra lately, I can do it, this is temporary.

Exhausted

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I am completely crushed. I mean, one look at me and you can tell I’m shredded. But, I must say that it is a completely satisfying kind of tired. I went to work and helped someone today. I am useful. I am productive. I am needed by someone. I care for people throughout the day and it feels good. Really good. It especially feels good when I work with women who are going through something similar to what I went through. I can offer some insight, and really understand how they may be feeling. This whole journey has been something that I have shared with whoever wanted to read, but the experience is one that is mine alone. No one can jump into my head and really know what it’s like. It would have been nice to have someone that could tell me who really knew that it would get better. What to possibly expect. I had MANY,MANY, MANY people who could tell me what I might be able to expect, or that it will be ok and I may have some discomfort, but they can’t really know because they haven’t experienced it. I appreciate all of the love and support, I am not diminishing that. It would be like me telling another woman what childbirth is like. Sure, I can give you the nursing knowledge behind it and what I have heard other women say, but I myself have never experiences it. I am not claiming to know what these women are feeling on a daily basis, what’s going on in their head, or their level of pain, but I HAVE been there, and I have an understanding ear that can listen and tell them what I experienced if they want to know. Many times patients say they hurt a lot, and a nurses response is sometimes, I understand. This is when I can say I TRULY understand. This is when I feel useful. I feel that I have a purpose. Maybe I can do something with that in the future. So even though going back to work full time is exhausting, it’s good for my soul.

I also feel needed when I walk in the door at night. My dogs are so happy to see me it’s ridiculous! This is the best feeling in the world. They follow me around, sit outside the shower until I’m done, “help” me cook dinner aka sit and wait for something to drop, make it hard to breathe while stretching because they insist on licking my face so much, and then they always need to be within an arms reach of me. Love this part of my life.
So while I am ripped to shreds every night, I’m doing it, and I am glad to be back.

Wednesday

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Anyone that knows me well enough knows that Wednesday is my least favorite day of the week.  Why?  Well, you are stuck in the middle.  You have two days behind you, but you still have two days in front of you. Well, this Wednesday was a tough one.  I started off the day by having a dr.’s appointment at 0750.  Remember that rash I was telling you all about? Well, after trying cortisone cream during the day and an antihistamine at night, heck I even tried Pepcid, I had no success in getting rid of my rash.  In fact, it got angrier.  I walk into the office and the nurse takes me to a room and asks what is wrong and I explain and show her my stomach.  She asks me to undress from the waist up and put on a gown.  I do. The doctor comes in and asks to see and she says “wow! That looks like it itches!” Uh…yeah.  The scratch marks must have given me away. Lol.  It was worse on my breasts which is why I was so concerned.  She put me on a prednisone burst and diflucan daily just incase there is a fungus among us.  I highly doubt that though, because you can actually see the streaking where my fingers put the lotion.  I highly doubt it’s fungal but better safe than sorry.  She told me that I needed to call my plastic surgeon to update him on the situation just incase her treatment doesn’t help then I will need to follow up with him.  Ok fine.

Then I headed to work.  And it was a typical Wednesday at work.  CRAZY.  Super busy, the kind where you are running full throttle just to get the basics done. I did get a minute to call and talk to Dr. Greaney’s nurse.  She said she would update my file and let him know.  She hadn’t realized that I had gone back to work and asked how my pain was.  I told her the truth….that my back hurt, my side boobs are achy, and I am starting to get nerve pain which feels like quick little jolts of electricity when nerves are growing back on the sides of my breasts and under my armpits.  She said she would call something in and usually people need some thing for pain at night for a little bit when you work a job like I do.  Lisa is awesome. She is always one step ahead and you never feel like you are being judged.

So work got very busy after lunches passed and I ended up working a little later than I was supposed to because evenings needed the help.  I never mind doing that because we are a team and if I was the evening shift person I would be happy to have that little extra help to provide safer and more efficient care.

So, how was my Wednesday? Exhausting, my back hurts as well as my brain.  But you know what? After one dose of my prednisone and diflucan, my rash is already better and today made me feel like a productive person again.  It’s nice to feel useful.  It’s also really nice to be able to comfort those patients that come through the unit that have had the same procedure that I did.  It’s nice to feel like you are really helping someone and you are making a difference in someone’s life.  That is one thing I have learned about myself.  I need to have a job that makes me feel satisfied and fulfilled.  Yeah, we all need money, I get that, but I need to feel like I am making a difference.  Hopefully one day I will be able to do some medical mission work.  I just need to figure out how to get involved.

Hope everyone has a happy Thursday.  Thanks God for taking care of me.

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go…

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I go back to work tomorrow.  It’s hard to believe.  So much has happened in so little time that its hard to really comprehend everything.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but tomorrow will come, and tomorrow will go and it will all be copacetic.  I just ask that you pray for me to get through the day.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  My scrubs are laid out, my lunch is packed, all my certificates of training modules I had to do while out are in my bag along with lots of Tylenol and ibuprofen.  Oh to be normal again.  Well, I’m not normal, but to be doing normal things again. Lol. Wish me luck!

Last PT for a month!

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I traveled to Philly today for what I was hoping was going to be my last physical therapy session.  Nope. Wrong.  I have to go back in a month.  I will take that.  They were very pleased with my progression.  I have full range of motion back!  My left is still tighter than my right side, but it has always been that way.  If I were guessing I would say that’s because I am right handed and use that arm more.  Who knows.

The physical therapist was looking at my back and I was telling him that my back scars bother me sometimes and sometimes they hurt.  I can’t wear racer back bra’s because they sit funny on my scars.  He felt around and said that’s because apparently my lat scars had adhered so they needed to be massaged out.  In other words, the fibers were set together like this:  image

 

When the ideal situation and most comfortable position of the scar fibers would be like this: image

 

So what did that mean for me???  That meant that I had to have a very painful massage of opposite directional friction with pressure.  It hurt.  It still hurts, and that was done around noon.  anything touching my back around those scars hurts.  I was shown how to perform this massage, and no it’s impossible to do it on yourself, so I have to teach Eric how to do this.  They suggest that I do this every day with a vitamin E lotion.   Oh boy!

i also got my bands back.  No more isometric exercises for me.  I am to go back to all of the old exercises starting with my red band and progressively moving up to green then blue.  I have no problem doing these exercises on my own so I have no doubt they will be pleased when I return.  I have to do them 2 times a day, so I will have to work them in before work and after.  I am going to be exhausted my first few weeks back at work.  Geesh…feeling slightly overwhelmed.  Might as well dive right in.  Monday is approaching quickly…. I see Dr. Greaney Friday so we shall see what he has to say.  I am gonna go just sit for a while. Wish me luck Friday.

Almost there…

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Well ladies and gentleman….the time has come!  This is my last week as a lonely shut in.  I have PT on Wednesday and see Dr. Greaney on Friday to hopefully get cleared so I can get  to go back to work the following Monday.  I am still sleeping upright on the chase in the living room.  They recommended that I sleep this way for at least 2 weeks, (Thursday will be 2 weeks post surgery) but I am still pretty sore when I get up in the morning.  Anyone have any thoughts on this?  Is this normal?  When does this go away?

I am actually nervous to go back to work.  Not because I forgot how to do my job, but my unit is very fast paced and we don’t have many chairs to sit, so I am afraid my back is going to be pretty sore.  Goodness I sound like an old maid. Hah.  I wonder if I am more prone to fatigue in my back because my lats are now in my boobs.  Looks like Tylenol is gonna be my best friend for a while.  I am sure I am going to be exhausted for the first few weeks.  But I will get there.

Hah, I just had a funny thought…I wonder if I could actually make my boobs bigger if I did a lot of exercises that isolate my lats.  If they ever start to sag, maybe this will be a way for me to have a non-medical lift!!!!  I showed my physical therapist my pec moving trick and he laughed pretty hard.  It’s way funnier when DD boobs are involved instead of some meatheads pecs.

Nothing has really changed boob wise, but I will continue to post a pic every week so you guys can see the progression and healing process if you choose to do so.

I can’t believe that this is almost over!  God is so good!

Full Circle

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This day, February 14 last year was the day I had my mortifying appointment with the Dr., resident, my husband, and my foul hoagie body odor.  Yes, I knew of my BRCA1 mutation, but that appointment is what got me to where I am today.  Last year was a lesson in many thing, patience being at the top of the list.  But it has all paid off.  Although I struggle with other aspects of my life, as we all do, this is one thing that I no longer have to worry about.  I faced this head on and smashed it into the ground.  I punched it in the throat.  See this little nugget?  Today is her 6th birthday. I must say that I love my dogs more than almost anything and they bring me so much joy.  They were there to love, snuggle, comfort, and make me laugh during this entire thing.  Happy birthday Vee!

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It’s amazing what can happen in a year.  I will be forever changed for the better and am thankful that God has been watching over me.  My journey is far from over, but I can’t wait to see what this year brings.  I have learned so much this year about myself and about other people.  I was surprised at the people in my life that rallied behind me and supported me, and was surprised by some who I thought would step up but didn’t.  Everyone deals with life’s tribulations differently. I get that.  Thank you everyone for all of the help/prayers/love/support.  But thank you most of all to God and my family who were there to pick me up when I was down.

 

It takes time.

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I don’t know if anyone has taken the time to look at the pictures that I have posted, but my sister Annie sent me a text that sums up how I am feeling right now.   She said ” They are probably like a new haircut.  You will like them more and more with time.”  And she’s right.  I by no means think that they look bad, I am just getting used to them and need to wait for them to settle.

I have physical therapy tomorrow so my Dad came down to take me.  I could probably drive myself there but I really have no idea how I am going to feel after.  Better safe than sorry.  Luckily my appointment is early in the morning so hopefully my Dad will be able to make it back home before we get pummeled by this snow we are to get.   I am so fortunate that I have a family that is able to help me so much.

Time.  Waiting.  Patience.  Things I don’t do well with, but I am trying.

Today was a tough day.  I feel like I got hit by a truck.  I must not have slept very well last night because I feel like I have been on the verge of a nap all day and feel as if I could sleep for 7 years. Lol. I fact I feel like I could go to sleep right now and be fine with that.  Maybe I will.

Tissue expander/ implant exchange surgery. Toughest post yet

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So I unwrapped myself this morning around 1030, but I was all by myself so I called my sister Amy because I was nervous.  We face timed and she was with me while I took everything off.  Nerve-wracking?  Understatement.  They look good? Maybe? I think?  I’m not real sure how I feel about them yet.  I know it can take a few months for the implants to settle.  I am trying not to be too hard on myself, and keep in mind that they will look different in a few weeks. But I did it, I forced myself to unwrap them.  They look better than I thought they would, but I still just don’t know how I feel yet.  I felt like I was on the urge of a panic attack all day.  I got responses from “they look great! To they look ok.”  Thanks to Erin (one person who told me she thought they looked good) my sister-in-law who talked me through it. I started feeling very insecure and worried that I look deformed.  She listened to all of my worries and helped me so much.  Thank you Erin.  So, I will post pics of the results when I unwrapped today.  This is a very hard thing for me to show you because I don’t know how I feel about them.  But I told you when I started this that I would be as real as I can so I will post pics on my pictures page.

Nervous

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Today is the day I am allowed to unwrap myself.  It’s also the first day throughout this process that I have been this nervous.  I was nervous one other time, when I was going to possibly get my drain out, but that doesn’t even hold a candle to how I am feeling right now.  I’m sitting here on the couch by myself contemplating if I should unwrap now or wait until Eric gets home.  I am literally sweating.  This entire experience ends (mostly) with this.  What if they look bad.  I know it takes a few weeks for them to settle, but I really want them to look nice. Who knows, maybe they will be fabulous.  I know it seems silly to be this nervous…but I just can’t seem to help myself.  I have physical therapy  on Wednesday, my dad is coming down to take me.  My next post op appointment isn’t until feb 21st.   Why do I have to be such a wimp.  I know I should just unwrap them and get it over with but I just don’t know if I want to do it while I am alone.  Pathetic, I know.

Here we go

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So I was getting myself ready to go and the hospital calls and says that Dr. Greaney would like me to be there early, say 1100. Well, the call came in at 1030. I told the hospital that that was impossible because I live an hour and a half away and they said just to leave as soon I could. Stressful is an understatement. I was ready to go but there was car de-icing and other stuff to do. We are on our way now. I just need to get there. That’s all I need to do. My feet are soaked from trying to de-ice the car, but I don’t care. My toes could be falling off but as long as I can get there it doesn’t matter.
I must say the drive is beautiful. There is something absolutely mesmerizing about everything being covered in ice. Saved in its particular state at that period in time. One of the very few times in life when something is completely still, serene and can be seen in it’s beautiful form. A little nature eye candy for my trip.
Am I nervous. No. I am EXCITED. This has been a long journey thus far and this brings me one step closer to the end. Bring it on. I shall punch today in the face and be in the comfort of my phone in a few hours. Just want everyone to know that I am very much aware that all the glory in this situation, the skills of the surgeons, nurses, physical therapists, medical staff, and the sense of calm I have had all belongs to God. No honor should be taken from Him. He is the one masterminding this whole thing. Thank you God.
I shall post when I am able. Next time I post I will be over one more hurdle!

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This made me chuckle

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I did NOTHING today.  Ok, so I woke up laid on the couch, took a 4 hr nap, did my exercises, and then cleaned the blood splatter off the wall that I somehow totally overlooked for the past week after Vee cut her leg. Oh, I put together a 500 piece puzzle and was on Pinterest.  This made me chuckle and I wanted to share.  I love clever hilariousness.

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Questions

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A lot of people that I have talked to say that they haven’t seen any pictures on my site.   When you get to the home page, where you are now, you will see different hyperlinks at the top.  One says home, one says about me, one says my story, and the last says Pictures (very graphic, if you have a weak stomach maybe you shouldn’t look).  That is where I post all of the surgical pictures.  Some people may not want to see my anatomy, I respect and understand that, therefore I put them in their own space.  I add to that page frequently, so just keep checking and scrolling down.

Speaking of questions, I always have a multitude of questions for Dr. Greaney when I go see him.  I see him once or twice a week.  How can one person have so many questions?  Who the hell knows, but I sure do.  I even surprise myself with the amount of questions I have, but I have always been that way I guess.  I like to learn and understand even if most of it seems like commom sense to others.  I type them as I think of them on my iPhone notepad and when I walk into his office before he does an exam or an expansion he asks to see “the notepad”.  He chuckles at some of my questions,  but takes me seriously and answers all of them, no matter how silly they may be.  I wish I would have saved all of them but I can remember a few…

1.  I have metal ports with a squishy center ( like a Port-A-Cath) in each breast.  I asked ” If I have to go through a metal detector, am I going to set of the alarms?”  He just kinda looked at me odd and said “In all of my years of working as a plastic surgeon, no one has ever asked me that question, but it’s a valid one.  And no, you won’t need a card to carry, if you go through a full body scanner they will see them, but when they pull you into the room all you have to do is pull up your shirt and they won’t ask anymore questions.” I thought that was funny.  So I’m either stupid for coming up with that question, taking this waaaaaay to seriously, or am a superior question asker.  I like to think the latter.

2.  As most of you who follow my blog already know I had a 3 inch section of hair missing from the back of my head after the surgery.  For those of you reading for the first time, it was the start of a pressure ulcer, check it out on my pics page.  So, one of my questions that day was “Dr. Greaney, did you have to shave my head for neuro-monitoring during the procedure? I have a three inch section of hair missing and I am a little bit curious why.”  He laughed at me and said no, I think he thought I was losing my shit, but I pull out my handy dandy iPhone and show him the picture.  I took (and take) pictures of EVERYTHING.  His face got red, like he was angry, gets his gloves on and looks at my head.  He said “Holy Crap, that is the start of a pressure ulcer! This is ridiculous, this should have never happened!”  He turned around, picked up the phone and called head of anesthesiology and had a few words with them.

3.  I ask the vain questions like “Will there always be hair on my nipples?”,  “Why is my right boob smaller than my left?”   “How many mL’s are in them now?”  “What can I do to help with my scaring?”  Yeah, I totally ask the vain questions. LOTS OF THEM.

4.  But then I ask questions like “Can I cut my Valium dose down? It’s not making me feel great emotionally and I don’t think I need this big of a dose.  Can I strictly use it as a PRN if I have a spasm.”  He advised me to cut my dose in half for 2 weeks, then use it as a PRN.

5.  L.      O.    T.     S.    AND.   L.       O.        T.        S.        AND.          L.          O.          T.           S.    of questions.

Dr. Greaney is awesome.  Never once has he rushed me, he takes me seriously, and he can joke around and just have a person to person conversation with me.  Never ever in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought I could have a normal conversation, feeling comfortable, with a complete stranger (well not now) with no shirt on.  Boobies hanging in the wind (well they don’t really hang, but you get my point) Heck, he knows more about my boobs than I do, he made them!  I AM SO HAPPY HE IS MY DOCTOR.  I can’t say it enough.  He is good stuff, a good soul that God blessed with some crazy good surgical skills.  Same goes for Dr. Lazar who was the breast surgeon.   Top notch.

One of these days that I have a little time, I’ll post a resources page for all of those who are interested to learn more.  I should have done that by now, but recovery is hard.

But, I stumbled across this picture today, has nothing to do with boobs or surgery or reconstructions, or cancer, it just made me smile.  My nephews, and G would think this is awesome.

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I feel like a inner tube, calm your tits

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I got double pumped yesterday.   I had a conversation with my plastic surgeon about my fears of not being able make it back to work when my FMLA runs out on Feb 4th.  It seemed far fetched to me that we could get me completely expanded, have an implant exchange, recover, and get back to work by that time.  My gut was correct.  He said that realistically, he would be able to get me back to work 2 weeks after that feb. 4th date.  In order to do this he needs to be more aggressive with my expansions.  See, we are behind in the first place because my right lat drain kept dumping out fluid.   Normally a drain is in for 3-4 weeks, (All of my other 3 drains were removed in that time frame) but my right lat drain didn’t want to cooperate.  It stayed in for 7 weeks.  Then, after that was removed I developed a large “boob” on my back (seroma).  Who knew I would go in and pay for two boobs, but come home with 3! Hah. having that drained was interesting. Boy oh boy am I glad I couldn’t feel anything because you could see through that needle end to end. Bleh.  Eric almost passed out and he was on the opposite side,  it made me chuckle.   Anyways…that whole ordeal delayed my expansions which is what has delayed my retune to work.  So, yesterday instead of getting expanded with 60 mL’s in each side, I got 100 mL’s on each side.  I felt like I was squeezed into an inner tube.  It felt like if you threw me in the river I would float.  But, that surely isn’t the case because right now I am carrying over 400 mL on each side.  I would sink.  I am walking around with almost a full liter on my chest.  I know, i know, that seems like a huge amount, but trust me, I am not going Pam Anderson’s first boob job size.  Remember, they took all of my breast tissue, so unlike a normal breast augmentation, I have to make up for that tissue that normally sits on top with fluid.  I am only being expanded out to where they fit in my skin where there are no more wrinkles or loose skin.  For me, that will probably end up being 600-650.  Remember, I was a 36 D before.  So from here on out, we are being as aggressive as my body will allow.  I have a week break to allow my body to adjust to the extra volume and see how I do, then I will be expanded on Monday and Friday of the next week.  Sounds like fun right?

So I was nervous about this while being over my FMLA time because of my job.  FMLA protects my job and holds it for me.  I was worried that work would be upset with me for going over my time.  I am an idiot for thinking that.  I luckily have the 2 great managers and a whole team of coworkers who are so supportive.  I spoke with my managers today and their only concern was that I was taking care of myself and would recover fully and appropriately.  Whew! Weight off my shoulders.  God is good.

My implant exchange is on February 6th.  I can’t wait!   These expanders are super hard.  I am almost there.  I just can’t wait to get these rocks out and have some nice squishy silicone put in.

i have PT tomorrow.  Woooooohooooooo!  Yet again I am so excited.

imageThis is how excited I am.

 

I have been reading a lot

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I have lots of time in between the exciting schedule I have that I explained in my last post, and my current topic of interest is clean eating. It seems many people lately have this form of cancer or that form of cancer and it’s happening to people younger and younger. I was watching an article on a girl who is 23 and had breast cancer, had a mastectomy reconstruction, radiation, and chemotherapy. 23 Holy crap! That is seriously young. Apparently she had kept her cell phone in her bra and it was precisely that area where the tumor was. They can’t confirm that the cellphone did or did not cause the tumor, but it really got me thinking about my everyday activities and things that I could do to make myself healthier. This poor girls cancer has spread and now she is fighting another battle, my prayers go out to her and her family. I can’t even begin to imagine. As a lot of you know, I work in the PACU (post anesthesia care unit) and I work with people who are just emerging from the anesthesia after surgery. This year I cannot tell you the number of 30 something women who came in and had to have surgery/chemo/radiation for breast cancer. That is me! I am 30 something. What are we doing as a society that is causing cancer to ravage us? I was listening to Howard Stern (I know, very controversial, but he is an intelligent man with a lot of intelligent things to say if you weed through the rest) and his co-host to his radio show, Robin Quivers just had a year from hell. She had a form of uterine cancer that produced a large tumor. We have listened to Howard Stern for years and have heard of all the “new fad” things that Robin does to try and make herself healthier. She became a vegetarian, but she talks about her clean healthy eating style and says that the doctors told her that the rest of her body was in such good health that it helped her pull through and attributed to her recovery. It really got me thinking about all the crap we dump into our bodies. Margarine? One molecule away from plastic? That can’t be good. Using plastic bottles and containers that aren’t BPA free. That can’t be good. Meat and dairy that have been fed hormones and genetically modified diets? Do you know how much pus is in you dairy because of the vigorous milking procedures? Gross. Aspartame? I have read NOTHING good about it. NOTHING. We are what we eat, and holy crap, I need an overhaul on my dietary habits. So this is a goal for me this year. I will not become a vegetarian, I like to eat meat now and then, but I will be trying to eat clean. I am gonna try and remove processed, enriched, chemically altered foods from my diet. It’s gonna take a while to get there, and will need to be a thought in my mind all the time. Hopefully this time next year I will be able to say I am a clean eater. I have been reading a lot from a fellow word press writer, her site is cleaneatingintexas.worpress.com She is very knowledgable and if you wanna check it out its a good place to start. That ends my rant for the day.

My Dad is on his way here to be here with me this week to take me to my Dr.’s appointments. I got a call from him a little bit ago that said he had to pull over because his windshield wipers froze. We are getting freezing rain here now so pray that he makes it safely. I LOVE it that my parents come to help me out. It is AWESOME. They are AWESOME. I am truly blessed.

I am currently reading a book (yes,you read that right, it’s not on my kindle) that my grandmother gave me for Christmas. It’s called Grace Happens Here by Max Lucado.  Very nice, easy read, but there was a little blurb I read today that made me remember that this recovery process is gradual and it’s not gonna happen all at once like I sometimes seem to want it to.  This is the blurb:

You are a trophy of God’s kindness, a partaker of his mission.  Not perfect by any means but closer to perfection than you’ve ever been.  Steadily stronger, gradually better.  This happens when grace happens.

I know this is talking about ones spiritual strength but I took it literally and applied it to my current situation.  Hopefully both spiritually and physically I will be steadily stronger and gradually better.  Thank you for the book Grandma! I love you!

p.s. the boobs are doing great!

Fight like a girl

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I was worried about today and staying home by myself for the first time (I am very capable) but Eric rearranged his schedule so he could work from home. Thank goodness he did. Thank you so much Eric. Vee cut her leg and we couldn’t get it to stop bleeding, I eventually had to wrap a hand towel around her leg and wrap it tight with tape) and apparently Lola has a raging ear infection. We spend a large chunk of our day at the vet. Vee has to wear this stupid collar and take an antibiotic and Lola has to have a medication put in her ear 2x a day And she is quite the diva. You put that stuff in her ear and she runs a circle around the downstairs of the house, stops in front of you, snorts, then flops herself down on the couch and rolls around grunting for a few minutes. This happens about 3 times and then she’s ok. It’s super funny, hopefully I can catch it on video. Poor baby Vee. This collar she has to wear is ridiculous.
Poor vee
I’m glad they didn’t have to put a collar like that on me after my surgery.

I am feeling more settled now today, my anxieties are relieving. God is good. I am able to do a lot more, and I am feeling pretty good. Sure, there are those days when I am sore, but this is to be expected. I am still taking Valium for my muscle spasms but I cut my dose in half (2.5 2 times daily) because I think the side effects are causing me some emotional issues. I don’t struggle with anxiety and depression on a normal basis so those chemicals and pathways in my brain aren’t mixed up. Yes, Valium is used for muscle spasms, but it is mainly used for anxiety and depression. I think it was having the opposite effect on me. I spoke with Dr. Greaney about my need for this medicine and he told me to continue for a few dats after my seroma drainage but if I felt ok to take half for a few days and then none. Unless I was having spasms. I am doing great so far with half the dose. It’s those little things that make you see how you are improving.
I did discover a new talent today. Apparently even though my lat muscles are no longer located in the normal place (they make up the base of my breast) they still function in the same way that they normally would. For example, when I twist off the cap to a water bottle, my boobs flex. It’s the weirdest sensation, but it’s hilarious at the same time. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger very time I open a bottle. Lol. I can beat any man in a pec flexing competition any day of the week. Hah.
Thank you to all of you who prayed for me for being overwhelmed, and thank you to all of you who pray for me just because you do. If means more to me than any gift or treat anyone could give me. Thank you all.

Happy New Year!

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Happy New Year everyone! I am excited that 2013 is over, it was a very tough year for me in many ways. Leave the past behind…onward. So yesterday was Eric and I’s 4th anniversary! Yay us. We had an exciting day of PT in Philly, a trip to the grocery store (sorry, no Bed Bath and Beyond, we didn’t have the time hah), then I came home and took a nice 4.5 hr nap. It was awesome! I had to get up because my sister Amy, her boyfriend Mychal, and my brother Patrick came to celebrate the New Year with us. I have seen Pat more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years! I am not very exciting the day of PT or the day after but it was nice of them to come and entertain Eric and I for the holiday! Eric and I rang in the New Year talking about how we didn’t think we would be celebrating the New Year attending Dr.’s appointments. We we’re hoping to wait to have to to that until we are old and grey, but hey, it is what it is. We have decided we will celebrate our anniversary when I’m feeling better. So to everyone out there who is reading this, Happy New Year and I hope that this year allows your wildest dreams to come true. Thank you God for getting me through 2013.