Tag Archives: Latissimus Dorsi Flap Reconstruction

Reconstruction pigmentation

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Reconstruction pigmentation…fancy schmancy term for nip tat.  Yup, I get my nipple tattoos tomorrow.  Tomorrow marks the end of this crazy almost 2 year journey.

I.CANNOT.BELIEVE.IT.

No more going to the doctor once a month, no more using my vacations to have surgery, no more inconveniencing the people in my life to come take care of me, no more worrying that my boobs are ticking time bombs.  AWESOME, but a little strange.  I have really gotten to know the people involved in my journey at the doctors offices that I have visited.  They were an integral part of my recovery and mental health.  They were there and supportive every step of the way, rooting for me when I was struggling and cheering for me when I was overcoming.  They have seen me at my best, and they have seen me at my worst.  It will be a little strange not to see them all of the time.  This is a good thing, I know, just a little weird.  They will probably never have another patient who calls herself a petittle…(see my post about my failed nipple reconstruction of that doesn’t make sense).  I have realized how important compassionate care is, and the teams that have taken care of me exemplify that.  I can only hope that as a nurse I can provide my patients and families with that level of care.

I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go.  I don’t currently have any tattoos so I don’t know what getting one feels like.  I also don’t have normal sensation in that area.  Do any of you have any big scars?  You know that feeling when something touches that scar?  It goes right through you. Not pain, but it gives me the heebie jeebies (sp?).  I’m not sure how a few hours of that sensation will be.  I don’t like it when I have it for a few seconds.  Either way, it’s temporary, and will be over before I know it.

In case you were wondering, I am waiting for the day when some person that doesn’t know me that well asks me if I have any tattoos…oh the ways I could respond. Maybe I should just always wear a button up shirt and no bra so I can just rip my shirt open and say “check out these puppies” bahaha.  I would give some poor soul a heart attack.  Maybe I should get smiley faces or green colored nipple tattoos.  That would really throw people off. You never know…?

Wish me luck.

Nip, nip hooray!!!

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Nip, nip hooray!!!  I got me some nips!  Everything went as planned during the surgery and I am recovering well.  My throat is sore from the stupid ETT and my pee smells (anesthesia pee…yuck!) but other than that things are looking good!  This time they gave me these nipple shields that make me look like I have headlights (I will post a pic on the pic page).  They are funny, Liz thinks they look like mini fish bowls. Bahahaha.  They are a little difficult to hide under clothes, so I am sure I will get a bunch of strange looks when I am out and about.  I may decorate them.  No pain there though!!!! The Dr. Extended my lat scar on the right another 2 inches or so under my arm so that he could revise my muscle flap.  I think it was for cosmetic reasons to take down some of the bulk there, but that’s were I am sore. I will pos a pic of that as well.  I wouldn’t call it pain, more of a deep ache. He must have really manipulated that sucker, and the incision site burns a bit.  Not too bad!  God was looking out for me like he always does.  I am still in awe of the the skills He has blessed people with.  To be able to recreate body parts and make people feel good about themselves in what could be a truly horrible situation is remarkable.  Well done Dr. Greaney.

Lets hope the bad boys take!!! I will keep you all updated!

Addaniptomy

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Addaniptomy (add-uh-nip-tah-me):  definition- the surgical procedure of creating a nipple for someone with Barbie boobs.

Or at least that’s what my co-workers came up with when deciding on a new name for my nipple reconstruction.   Sounds so much more medical to me.  So there you have it…my made up name for what is to hopefully be my last surgery in this over year and a half journey.  Yes, we have attempted this before, and the outcome wasn’t stellar (duh, I have Barbie boobs) but if at first you don’t succeed and all that crap. 😜  One more try and if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.  No biggie… tattoo city here we come.  This time, instead of just reconstructing from my existing grafts, they will be using a biological mesh under the newly constructed tissue to help add support and projection to my wimpy Casper skin. At first he (the plastics dude) had said he was going to use cadaver skin…uuuummmmm…I could have really given my nips names then…old Frank and Charlie, or whoever the past owners names were…bahhahahahaha.  That kinda weirded me out but he decided a mesh was the way he wanted to go.  Wouldn’t that be some shit if I did have cadaver skin supports and ended up having haunted nipples?!?!  Now there is a phrase I bet you never heard before…haunted nipples.  This is all set to go down next Thursday the 28th, and God willing things will go smoothly.  Yet another experience in this crazy journey.  Hopefully this time next week I will be shouting “nip nip hooray!”

One year

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One year…

365 days…

That is the amount of time that has passed since my surgery.  This time last November 13 (it was a Wednesday) I was still under anesthesia while doctors were completing my surgery.  In some ways I can’t believe it has been an entire year, and in other ways it feels like my surgery was decades ago.  I had someone ask me today if looking back I would have changed my mind.

No way. No freakin way.

I would do it again if faced with the same predicament (thank goodness that can’t happen)

The past year was quite an experience.  I have learned a lot about myself and others throughout this entire ordeal.  We are all souls that posses a body and boy oh boy did God do an awesome job when he created it.  I think a lot of the time, we as humans look at our bodies being the main entity that possesses the soul.  This is a tragic flaw of the human race.  Instead of looking at ourselves with the respect and awe that we all deserve we get hung up on the physical aspects of our being “why can’t my legs be smaller, or why can’t my nose be smaller?, Why don’t I have curly hair, I hate my waist,etc…” You get my point.  This year has taught me that God constructed my person to be an extremely tough, durable, resilient piece of artwork and I am thankful that he made me this way.  But he has constructed my soul from something tough like titanium.  I am way stonger than I ever imagined I was.  He has also blessed me by surrounding me with an extremely stong support system.  Family, friends, co-workers, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, even random strangers who reached out along the way.  What an awesome feeling knowing that I have multitudes of people who are there to cheer me on.  It’s unreal.  Hopefully someday I will be able to pay it forward to all of you who have lifted me up.  One can hope.

A lot has happened over the last 12 months.

I made it through my recovery, and I must say while it was a grueling process filled with difficult physical hurdles (did I ever mention that I hated PT bahhahahahaha) I  can look back and surprisingly not remember the pain.  There are a few things I do remember like the first time getting up to go to the bathroom right after surgery (OUCH!!!) the drains, and that stupid seroma a.k.a my third boob.  But, the majority of the pain I experienced I cannot remember.

I made it through the implant exchange with flying colors! I went back to work with full ROM in my arms.  It’s hard for me to explain what a big deal that is for me.  Since my lats are in the front now, I had difficulty doing a lot with my arms.  I went from having T-Rex arms to being stronger than I think I have ever been.

I switched jobs. I loved my PACU job and miss all of my co-workers there a ton, but I had the opportunity to work in the NICU which I have always wanted to do.  How blessed am I to be fortunate enough to help prevent myself from being a statistic of breast cancer and score my dream job in one year?!?!? Extremely.

I had nipple grafting surgery.  Unfortunately this was not successful, but if at first you don’t succeed, try,try again.  And I will.  I have an appointment in December to see when we can go ahead with the next attempt.

The thing that I am most proud of that I have accomplished this year was that I hiked the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim.  My good friend Regina asked me to hike with her and I am so proud of us that we did it.  This truly showed how “recovered” I was.  I spent 3 days carrying a pack that weighed 30 lbs. through the Canyon on a 24 mile hike.  I was worried that my lack of muscles in my back would make this too hard.  It didn’t.  Yet again, another example to the strength God instilled in my body.  AWESOME.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be where I am now, I would have laughed in your face.  This year was far from rainbows and butterflies, but it has shown me what I am made of.  I am sure there are more hurdles and bumps to come, but that is life.

Oh what a difference a year can make.

FYI

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FYI… Incase you all don’t know, I used to work as a nurse in PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) and have come across many women who have had mastectomies with a latissimus dorsi flap reconstruction. Frequently I hear these patients say that their doctor told them that they would never be able to hold their arms up over their head, swim, play tennis, or start a lawn mower ever again. I find this to be odd. Sure, I had intense physical therapy which is probably the reason that I can do all of these things, but I CAN do all of these things. With ease. In fact, I just finished hiking 24 miles rim-to-rim across the Grand Canyon with a 30 lb pack on my back and didn’t have any issue. I am pleased that my doctor pushed me to go to physical therapy, and thankful that my physical therapist took the time the make sure I was able to function normally. So for all of you out there that are facing the same things that I have, there is hope that things will eventually return to normal. Right now they may seem hopeless and so far away, but as someone who has been through it, you will get there. God is good, and has engineered the human body to be able to endure and overcome. Hang in there!

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I finally have me some nips!!!

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I finally have me some nips!!! Woooohoooo!  Everything went well today.  I got taken back to pre-op at 645, had to pee in a cup (oh joy), do a CHG bath, put on my purple sumo gown, answer some questions and sign some papers.  They started my IV, and the transporter came to get me and take it over.

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Nothing better than a purple paper sumo gown that blows up with hot air when you are cold.  Seriously!  The procedure took ably 1.5 hours, went to PACU, was there for ~25 mins then went to ambulatory.  I wasn’t having much pain but they wanted to give me a Percocet for the ride home so I ate some peanut butter crackers and a ginger ale.  Soon I was ready to go, got dressed and out I went. All before 1300!!!!! AWESOME!  Everyone was so nice, fortunately I had a lot of the same nurses and transporters so they recognized me from the last time.  It couldn’t have gone any better!!  I have posted a pic of what the reconstruction looks like on my pics page!  They did an awesome job.  Never in a million years would I have thought they would look so good!  He must of had to really manipulate my lat flap because I am sore on  the outside and I am a bit bruised, but only on the right…I go back in 2 weeks for a follow up, and then get my tattooing done in 3 or so months!  Thanks for all of the messages, phone calls, and well wishes!  I appreciate all of them!!!

Nipple reconstruction

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So I am finally onto the last step.  I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon last Friday to re-evaluate my readiness for nipple reconstruction.  The last time I was there, my scars were still too active to be able to proceed with this step.  He wanted me to wait a few months to see if things would settle down and “fall” into place.  Bahahaha.  Literally.  I have noticed that I am not symmetrical, but I didn’t know if it was just me being overly critical because I obsess a bit over this, or if I really was a little “off”.  The appointment went well.  He agreed with me that things were not symmetrical, and said that he could fix that when I go into the OR to have my reconstruction done.  He told me that it’s hard to get the placement correct because you never truly know how the implants are going to settle into the pocket he created.  I can’t say enough how much I like my plastic surgeon.  I really think that’s a large reason why everything has gone so smoothly for me throughout the entire process.  He was very pleased with how things were progressing.  Apparently I scar well.  That sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.  My lat scars have almost completely disappeared, and none of my scars are raised like a keloid.  That’s ++ for me!  It never fails, during my plastic surgery appointments  I make him laugh (inadvertently) with something “random” as he says.  So as I have shown in a previous picture, my nipple grafts have hair on them.  Eeeeeewwww. Nipple hair.  Say that out loud.  It makes your nose wrinkle in disgust just saying it.  This REALLY bothers me.  The skin grafts were taken from my back, and apparently I have a hairy back.  It’s not like its dark hair, it’s very light and fine like my arm hair and you can barely see it, but I KNOW it’s there and it needs to go.  So, I flat out asked him how to get it to go away.  He laughed and said “I love how you had a major operation and the only thing that has really bothered you throughout the process is a little bit of hair on you grafts”.  He said the only thing that will really get rid of the hair is laser hair removal.  Just the thought of having that part of my body lasered makes my non-existent nipples hurt.  The only stipulation is that I have to have it done at least 2-3 weeks before my nipple reconstruction is done.  Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, it’s scheduled for July 17th.  I finally get my nipples!  Woohooo!  Anyways, I researched some places that do laser hair removal treatments, called around, and luckily I have a consult tomorrow and if I decide to go ahead with it they will do it right then.  I love it when a plan comes together.  😉 Talk about awkward phone call.  “Uh, yes, I am calling because I want the hair removed from my nipples”  I wanted to dig a hole and place my head in it.  Thankfully, they didn’t even seem to think it was odd.  I know they are professionals and do this all the time, but still… So, tomorrow I embark on yet another experience I never in a million years thought I would have…nipple laser hair removal.  Bahahahahaha. Thank the Lord that I still don’t have much sensation, because from what everyone says about laser hair removal, it feels like someone is flicking you with a rubber band over and over.  Great!!!  I will let you all know how it goes!

My Mom

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Just wanted to let everyone out there know (if they didn’t already) that this past year would have been MUCH more difficult (maybe impossible) if not for my Mom. She was there for me throughout my entire surgical recovery. She put her life on hold for 2 months to come and take care of me when it was difficult to take care of myself. She stocked my freezer full of food, helped me do the simplest of things (which at the time were the most difficult things) like wash my hair, put socks on, get out of the recliner, brush my hair, heck, you name it, she was there helping me with it. She even emptied my JP drains for me even though she said beforehand that she was sure she wouldn’t be able to do that. She drove me back and forth from Philly 2-3 times a week to get me to the doctor. She cooked for me, cleaned my house, took care of my dogs, shoveled my driveway a billion times (Uuuugh). So if you all didn’t know how awesome my mom was before, you do now. Thank you Mom for everything you have done to help me through this year. It means more than you will ever know. I am blessed to have been given a Mom as wonderful as you. I love you!

It has been a while…

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It has been a while…

Which is a good thing in my book.  I am finally falling into a nice rhythm.  The nerve pain seems to have eased up a little.  The muscle spasms are much less frequent (thank goodness). Every day is getting easier.  I’m not gonna lie to you, the first month back to work was EXHAUSTING.  I don’t think I have ever been that tired and worn out continually in my life.  But, for all of you out there, it does get better.  I don’t finish every day blown to smithereens.  When I first returned to work, I couldn’t sit down when I got home until I had completed everything I needed to do.  If I did, I would be toast.  Burnt to a crisp kind of toast. There were days that I made that mistake, only to wake up 2hrs later with my badge, shoes, and winter jacket on with my car keys still in my hand.  Now when I get home, I feel like a “normal” person.  Sure, I am tired, but it’s just the kind of tired you get from standing and working all day.  My scars are feeling better.  Regular bras don’t bother my lat scars even close to as much as they did.  I’m not having any pain and my ROM is very good.  No problems reaching for things for this girl.  I have noticed that I have a hard time doing things like tricep dips.  I have a feeling that has to do with the new position of my lats.  I continue to do my PT. It really isn’t difficult anymore, just an annoyance that I have to do it, but I will continue to do it because no matter how much I hated it, I feel that PT helped me the most. So, if there are any words of advice that I can offer someone having this procedure, having gone through it myself, it is DO THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.  I read a lot of other peoples blogs who are still having lots of pain 6 months, a year, 2 yrs out, and I often wonder if they were offered the extensive PT that I was and if they continually did it.  I am almost 2.5 months out from my last surgery and I must say, I FEEL GOOD!!!!  So ladies that are doing research about possibly having this done, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better!  And if any of you out there have questions, leave me a message on here, I will happily answer!  God is good.

Hakuna your ta-tas

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Hakuna your ta-tas.  It means calm your tits.  bahahaha.  I saw this shirt online and ordered it instantly.  Remember that song “Hakuna matata” from the Lion King?  What are the words, something like “it means no worries for the rest of your days” ?  Correct me if I am wrong.  But this shirt represents how I feel now.  When I got the BRCA1 results, I felt like I was in a cartoon and someone had an imaginary anvil hanging over my head, waiting to be cut only to drop and flatten me like a pancake.  So, I did something about it.  I don’t expect everyone, or anyone for that matter, to agree with my choice, but I wouldn’t change a thing.  It is well with my soul.  I know that there are still BIG BAD SCARY things out there that can get me, but now I feel like I have run up the hill and am finally reaching the top.  This experience changed me.  In many good ways, and I am thankful for each way.  God is good and protected me throughout this process.  I am blessed, undeservingly blessed, but blessed beyond belief.  So I hope that those in my life who need a little pick me up can look at this shirt and get a chuckle.  I am praying for you all.

Liz-hopefully that little nugget decides to make an appearance today.  Definitely a little boy, knows how to aggravate you already and knows which buttons to push.  You are almost there!!!

Aunt Patty-I hope today brings you a little more relief and you will be feeling better soon!

Bev – hang in there buddy, this will all get sorted out.  Hakuna your ta-tas is appropriate for you as well.  I need to get you this shirt.  Remember I’ve got your back (and your front) bahhahahahaha 😉

La – Glad things seem to be better for you this week.  Hopefully you can stay on the un-eventful train for a while!

I know there are many other people in my life that need prayers and love sent their way that I have not mentioned, trust me, you are on my mind.  The prayers are going up and the good vibes are going out!

Hakuna your ta-tas everyone!!!!

 

6 week post-op recap

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So here is the 6 week post-op recap….

Looks like everything is going very smoothly.  The areas around my nipple grafts where I am having some drainage is completely normal.  He said these areas are where the stitches under the surface are trying to poke through the surface.  I should expect to have that happen until my scars settle down.

I talked to him about the difference between my breasts.  He said it could be due to a variety of things, but all in all he thinks things are progressing well and he wants me to wait another 2 months to allow them to fully settle.  We will re-evaluate then.  So I have to go back in 2 months.  My nipple scaring will have settled by then, my implants will be more settled, so we can talk about nipple reconstruction providing everything is to my liking.

He took a look at the scars on my back and thought they were looking a little bit better and didn’t want to do the steroid injections yet, if at all.  Another thing we will re-evaluate in 2 months.

As for the muscle spasms, he said he expected them to increase because of the increase in my activity.  For now, he wants to me to continue to do PT (yippee) .  He thinks it will help with the spasms and take the Valium when I need it, hopefully getting to the point where I don’t need it at all.

Speaking of PT, I was supposed to see Richard per his request today, not sure what for, but at my last appointment he asked me to come early to meet with him.  I ended up seeing Dr. Greaney first, then waited for an hour and twenty minutes to see Richard, but when they finally got his attention, he said he didn’t really need to see me, he wanted to see me in 2 months. Lol.

All in all a pretty good appointment.

After my appointment, I met up with Pinder and saw Noah.  It was a very interesting interpretation of the biblical story, but entertaining none the less.  We had heard the reviews before we went so we knew what we were up for.  Apparently a lady that was in the theatre with us didn’t know that it wasn’t a direct representation of the biblical story and she let us know that she wasn’t happy about it while we were in the bathroom after the movie.

6 week post-op appointment

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So I got this Pin from my friend Julie Hamilton yesterday and I couldn’t stop laughing.

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Apparently I like boob humor.

Tomorrow is my 6 week post-op appointment.  Can you believe it has been 6 weeks?

I CANT.

In one respect it feels like all of this happened so long ago, but on days like today when I’m sore and tired, it feels like it just happened a week ago.  It’s mostly my back that is giving me issues.  Lately even when I lean back against a chair my scars bother me.  It’s uncomfortable, I wouldn’t say it’s pain, just discomfort.  That also causes a problem when I go to wear a “normal” bra.  The part that goes around my torso cuts right across my scars and makes them uncomfortable.  That area also feels tight.  My lats are still connected in the back up near my shoulders, but they wrap under my armpits and are settled at the base of my breasts.  I really only tend to feel this when I am having a muscle spasm or if my boobs lock up.  Gosh, I sound like a car.  Bahhahahahaha.  Sometimes they do Tho.  If I have a particularly strenuous day at work, or if I have been doing a lot of things with my arms, they stay almost in a constant state of contraction and that is not comfortable.  Sure, I have Valium for the muscle spasms, but I can’t take it until I get home, because yes, that whopping 2.5 mg dose still makes me sleepy.  I swear, my body doesn’t build up tolerance to things.  Tomorrow is the day that I am possibly going to be getting the steroid shots in those scars.  Hopefully that helps the situation.

I am interested to see what he has to say about the areas on my breasts that are “leaking” .  I have serous fluid that comes out from around my nipple graft somewhere.  Hopefully it’s nothing. I am starting to get some sensation to my breasts.  I can feel deep sensation.  For example, if you were to press on my breast I would be able to feel it at the base of my breast and the sides and I would feel the pressure.  But I can’t feel surface things.  If I scratch the skin, I can’t feel it yet.  It’s a real pain in the tit when you have a phantom nipple itch and can’t scratch it.  (There is a sentence you don’t read everyday!). Seriously almost caused me to lose my mind one night.  I can’t imagine what it would feel like to lose an arm or a leg.

Hopefully tomorrow goes smoothly and the shots don’t hurt too bad because I have to drive myself to meet Pinder so we can see Noah.

New pics

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I just posted the newest pics of my knockers on the pictures page.  Wonder who came up with the name “knockers”.  Lol.  Anyways, you will see there is still a bit of difference between the lest and right.  Maybe my lat was more dense on the right because in am right handed? Who knows.  I also have been having some serous drainage from my right nipple graft.  I had noticed it last week, but thought it was just some staining on my bra, but then I paid attention and I noticed that I had some everyday.  There is no odor, no redness, no swelling, and it’s not hot, so I figured I would bring it up at my appointment.  On the left side there is a stitch sticking out that I can feel when I am putting lotion on (NOT aquaphor) and hopefully he can look at that too.   I wonder if the difference in my breasts are because the right hasn’t fully settled yet, or if a bigger implant should have been placed on that side because of being expanded further on the right.  I will be interested to see what he has to say about it all.

Sore

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PT yesterday was much easier than in the past so I wasn’t expecting to wake up so sore.  As soon as I moved I was aching.  Mostly under my armpits and my “side boob”.   This is where my entire lat muscle was threaded through to be placed at the base of my breast.  It’s all muscular pain, I know that.  It’s like when you go to the gym and workout real hard and really feel it the next day.  It’s just such an odd place to hurt.  My side boobs…bahhahahahaha. I also had my lats massaged out, which is more like deep penetrating pressure on them, so I think a lot of toxins were released just like they are with any massage.  I tried to drink plenty of fluids to flush them out.  I am such a wimp, I know.  But sometimes you just can’t change who you are.  Be it a wimp or a Beast.

I crashed pretty hard when I got home from work today.  Normally I am very careful not to sit down when I get home from work until I get all my stuff done, but today I made the mistake of sitting for a second to pet Vee and Lola.  Well, I woke up 2.5 hrs later with my coat still on and zipped, my sneakers on and my bag still on my shoulder.   oops.   Needless to say I wasn’t Patty productive when I got home from work today.  Oh well, I guess I needed the rest more. I am really looking forward to the day that I am “normal” again and can do simple things without needing a nap.  thursdays are usually my toughest days.  I looI forward to not being constantly exhausted.  I hope this isn’t a permanent state.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

PT no more?

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I had PT today.  First time in a little over a month, and I must say it wasn’t that bad.  I do my PT twice daily at home, but I haven’t had to take the time to drive into Philly like I was doing weekly before.  They were really impressed with my ROM, apparently I am better than “normal” and they were impressed with my strength.  2 points for T.  It was the standard appointment, moist heat, manipulation, more manipulation, massage, exercises ( I got bumped up to the blue band, strength level 3) then some stretching.  Then I got my lat scars massaged out.  Now you hear massage and think “ooohhh, i bet that felt good” no. Nope. Negative. Absolutely freakin not.  That crap hurts.  But, in the grand scheme of what I have been through, I feel like a huge weenie complaining about a little scar massage.  He was very pleased with my progress but told me I look tired and was a bit worried about that.  I told him the truth, that I am in a constant state of tired, but it’s tolerable.  and honestly, no matter when I would have returned I would be the same amount of tired.  It’s a conditioning process and I am still “in training”.  I am trying to optimize my diet so that I can ward off all of these colds that are going around (knock on wood), so I can heal faster, lose a few, and be clean inside and out.  So, no processed anything, very limited red meat ingestion, no alcohol, fish at least 2 x a week (none from pacific coast or imported from other countries), natural sugars, only from fruit, whole grains only, at least 2 probiotic servings daily (I <3 kefir), olive oil and flax seed oil, a high quality protein serving at every meal,  at least 90 oz. of water daily, and lots of green tea.  Why am I doing this?  If I did something as radical as prophylactically removing my breasts and reconstructing them, wouldn’t it be stupid to shove crap in my mouth?  What would be the point of all this if i continue to abuse my body in other ways.  It’s kind of a no brainer for me.  This surgery is an eye opening experience.  Surgery is not the end all fix all for everything, so I need to treat my body like the temple that God created and properly nourish it.  Ok, rant over.

So back to the whole title of post.  I didn’t have to make a new appointment for PT.  Dr. Greaney only has office hours on Monday and Friday.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, an outside physical therapy company uses the office for all of the patients that need PT.  The nurses are there, and on Wednesdays the nipple tattoo guy is there, but no docs.  He is going to come in on April 4th (Friday) when I see Dr. Greaney to evaluate me.  He is going above and beyond, coming in to the office on a day that he is not to be there, all to accommodate me.  Wow.  People do nice things all the time.  This helps me so much because I don’t need to make special arrangements with work for another appointment, I can combine the two.  I have a feeling that he will release me from PT then.  You have all read the words that I have put in this blog about hating PT, but in all honesty, it has helped me more than I care to admit.  I am tired daily now, but if I wouldn’t have been put through the vigorous PT,  I would be in super bad shape.  And I would probably still have T-Rex arms.  Apparently most people choose not to do the PT.  I can’t imagine they have had such great results like I have.  I am thankful for it, no matter how much I bitched about it.

Another hurdle jumped….only a few more to go.

Nice

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So the last time I posted, I was telling you all how tired I was.  Yes, I am still exhausted, shattered would probably be a better term, but I got a break today.  I work with a very amazing group of people.  Sometimes, when patient census is lower and we have a lot of nurses working we get flexed down (people get the option to go home early, if no one volunteers, we have a list that shows who is next).  Well today, my co-workers were nice enough to let me be the one who got to leave work early. It was so considerate of them because oh my goodness do I need a nap and my body needs a break.

Its amazing what the human body can do when you just tell yourself you have to.  I am amazed with myself everyday at how far I have come.  My body has been through so much, but I did it.  I still have a long way to go, I know this, and I need to keep that in mind, but with people looking out for me at work like they do, I don’t have to stress so much about staying afloat.

Thank you ladies for letting me be the one that was able to leave work to come home and rest.  I appreciate your kindness more than you know.

Long time, no post

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It’s been a while since I have posted and there is a reason for that.  This phase of my recovery has easily been the hardest part.  It is hard to to work everyday.  But the hardest part is trying to manage all of the other aspects of my life along with working a full time job.  By the end of the day I am mentally and physically exhausted. There is cooking and cleaning, and bill paying and trying to figure out ways to schedule appointments, sick husbands, emergency vet trips, call, and two time a day PT. I by no means am complaining, I am just trying to adjust.  I am adjusting, s      l                o                      w                                     l                                              y.

Everyday I am exhausted.  Like if I sit down I won’t get back up kind of exhausted.  But I get up and do it because I have to.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and just do it.  My biggest problem is my back.  Everyday after work it hurts.  Some days are better than others, but today its particularly bad.  Today was my 10th day of work in row.  Two more to go and then I get a break.  When is this back pain gonna end? I don’t know. But I do know it’s temporary and will soon stop.  I’ve been having some pain under my armpits too but it’s all muscular from my lats.  So when I come home I can take the Valium prescribed for the muscle spasms and there is relief.  The muscle spasms are getting better in the front base of my breasts, but still very present in my under arm area.

I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for this transition.  So I am trying very hard to hold it all together and get everything done.  So 530 am wake ups, to get exercises and some chores done before work, then work, then home to cook dinner do some more chores only to pass out as late as I can possibly stand.  Which is usually 10.  Last week I got done with work early one day, came home, napped from 430-800 got up, used the bathroom, and went back to bed.  I don’t even think I really sleep, I think I fall into a coma.

I will get it together,  it’s just taking me a long time, and my body can only heal so fast.  This is all temporary.  That seems to be my mantra lately, I can do it, this is temporary.

Exhausted

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I am completely crushed. I mean, one look at me and you can tell I’m shredded. But, I must say that it is a completely satisfying kind of tired. I went to work and helped someone today. I am useful. I am productive. I am needed by someone. I care for people throughout the day and it feels good. Really good. It especially feels good when I work with women who are going through something similar to what I went through. I can offer some insight, and really understand how they may be feeling. This whole journey has been something that I have shared with whoever wanted to read, but the experience is one that is mine alone. No one can jump into my head and really know what it’s like. It would have been nice to have someone that could tell me who really knew that it would get better. What to possibly expect. I had MANY,MANY, MANY people who could tell me what I might be able to expect, or that it will be ok and I may have some discomfort, but they can’t really know because they haven’t experienced it. I appreciate all of the love and support, I am not diminishing that. It would be like me telling another woman what childbirth is like. Sure, I can give you the nursing knowledge behind it and what I have heard other women say, but I myself have never experiences it. I am not claiming to know what these women are feeling on a daily basis, what’s going on in their head, or their level of pain, but I HAVE been there, and I have an understanding ear that can listen and tell them what I experienced if they want to know. Many times patients say they hurt a lot, and a nurses response is sometimes, I understand. This is when I can say I TRULY understand. This is when I feel useful. I feel that I have a purpose. Maybe I can do something with that in the future. So even though going back to work full time is exhausting, it’s good for my soul.

I also feel needed when I walk in the door at night. My dogs are so happy to see me it’s ridiculous! This is the best feeling in the world. They follow me around, sit outside the shower until I’m done, “help” me cook dinner aka sit and wait for something to drop, make it hard to breathe while stretching because they insist on licking my face so much, and then they always need to be within an arms reach of me. Love this part of my life.
So while I am ripped to shreds every night, I’m doing it, and I am glad to be back.

Ahhhhhh…time to relax

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I made it through my first week of work!  It went by so fast, I think because I would get up, do my exercises, eat breakfast, shower, go to work, come home do whatever chores I had to do (laundry, etc.), cook dinner, do my exercises, pack my lunch, give my dogs some love then go to bed.  I have to stay on my feet and get everything done that I can when I get home before sitting down or else I won’t get back up.  I have slept like a rock this week.  Thursday was my hardest day.  I was so tired.  I needed a nap ten minutes after I woke up, and I felt that way all day. But TGIF!   I have 2 days of resting ahead of me and that’s what I plan to do.

My rash is starting to clear up.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects I get from the prednisone are lovely roses red cheeks.  I look like a raggedy ann doll.  Everyone kept making comments at work today about how rosy my cheeks were and they were worried I wasn’t feeling well, but I just explained I am on a prednisone burst and they understood.  Everyone artwork was very helpful and understanding this week.  It’s nice to work with people that look out for you.

I am really looking forward to having two days off to relax and do nothing! Well, not nothing, but at least sit down more!

Wednesday

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Anyone that knows me well enough knows that Wednesday is my least favorite day of the week.  Why?  Well, you are stuck in the middle.  You have two days behind you, but you still have two days in front of you. Well, this Wednesday was a tough one.  I started off the day by having a dr.’s appointment at 0750.  Remember that rash I was telling you all about? Well, after trying cortisone cream during the day and an antihistamine at night, heck I even tried Pepcid, I had no success in getting rid of my rash.  In fact, it got angrier.  I walk into the office and the nurse takes me to a room and asks what is wrong and I explain and show her my stomach.  She asks me to undress from the waist up and put on a gown.  I do. The doctor comes in and asks to see and she says “wow! That looks like it itches!” Uh…yeah.  The scratch marks must have given me away. Lol.  It was worse on my breasts which is why I was so concerned.  She put me on a prednisone burst and diflucan daily just incase there is a fungus among us.  I highly doubt that though, because you can actually see the streaking where my fingers put the lotion.  I highly doubt it’s fungal but better safe than sorry.  She told me that I needed to call my plastic surgeon to update him on the situation just incase her treatment doesn’t help then I will need to follow up with him.  Ok fine.

Then I headed to work.  And it was a typical Wednesday at work.  CRAZY.  Super busy, the kind where you are running full throttle just to get the basics done. I did get a minute to call and talk to Dr. Greaney’s nurse.  She said she would update my file and let him know.  She hadn’t realized that I had gone back to work and asked how my pain was.  I told her the truth….that my back hurt, my side boobs are achy, and I am starting to get nerve pain which feels like quick little jolts of electricity when nerves are growing back on the sides of my breasts and under my armpits.  She said she would call something in and usually people need some thing for pain at night for a little bit when you work a job like I do.  Lisa is awesome. She is always one step ahead and you never feel like you are being judged.

So work got very busy after lunches passed and I ended up working a little later than I was supposed to because evenings needed the help.  I never mind doing that because we are a team and if I was the evening shift person I would be happy to have that little extra help to provide safer and more efficient care.

So, how was my Wednesday? Exhausting, my back hurts as well as my brain.  But you know what? After one dose of my prednisone and diflucan, my rash is already better and today made me feel like a productive person again.  It’s nice to feel useful.  It’s also really nice to be able to comfort those patients that come through the unit that have had the same procedure that I did.  It’s nice to feel like you are really helping someone and you are making a difference in someone’s life.  That is one thing I have learned about myself.  I need to have a job that makes me feel satisfied and fulfilled.  Yeah, we all need money, I get that, but I need to feel like I am making a difference.  Hopefully one day I will be able to do some medical mission work.  I just need to figure out how to get involved.

Hope everyone has a happy Thursday.  Thanks God for taking care of me.

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go…

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I go back to work tomorrow.  It’s hard to believe.  So much has happened in so little time that its hard to really comprehend everything.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but tomorrow will come, and tomorrow will go and it will all be copacetic.  I just ask that you pray for me to get through the day.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  My scrubs are laid out, my lunch is packed, all my certificates of training modules I had to do while out are in my bag along with lots of Tylenol and ibuprofen.  Oh to be normal again.  Well, I’m not normal, but to be doing normal things again. Lol. Wish me luck!

Cleared

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I had my appointment today with Dr. Greaney.   I set out pretty early because the last few times I have traveled to Philly the traffic has been horrible.  Not today.  Sweet, point #1 for thetracinator.  Yes, I just referred myself as thetracinator.  It’s just that kind of day.  I was 45 minutes early.  I walked into the office and thought maybe they had closed it because there was not one other patient in the waiting room.  GREAT!!!!! This day is starting off well!  Tack up #2 for me.  The receptionist yelled “Hey Trace, I’ll let him know you are here!” When I walked in.  I love that they take the time to learn my name.  I sat down for maybe 2.5 seconds and Lisa, my favorite nurse calls me back.  Point #3 for this day.  She talked to me for a while, it has been nice getting to know these people over the past few months.  It really makes me feel that they care.  I get changed and put on my crop top paper gown open in the front, but this time it’s blue.  MUCH better than that ugly mauve color they had before.  As if this matters,  apparently it did to me.  Score point #4 for me.  Dr. Greaney walks in and asks how I have been doing, and I tell him about how my back scars have been bothering me, he takes a look and agrees with the physical therapists opinion.  He explained that right now  (month 3-5 after surgery) is when your scars have the most inflammation and can really be uncomfortable.  He thinks that I may benefit from some steroid injections into the scars, but it’s too early in the healing process for that.  I have a follow up appointment in 6 weeks (my sister Annie’s birthday) and he will do them then if they are still bothering me so much.  He took a look at my breasts and was pleased.  I am now allowed to put lotion on them which was good, cues those suckers were dry.  He went over the implant massaging that I have to do daily.  Then I whipped out my handy dandy iPhone and went down my questions. (Q is me, A is Dr. Greaney)

Q:  You expanded me further in my right side, I would have thought that you would have used a different size implant.  Why didn’t you?

A:  On your left side I only cut into your nipple on the bottom half.  It was very difficult to get the expander out and put the implant in.  That’s why you see more redness on your left side.  This side had more time to settle, and didn’t need any pocket work.  Because we took off your right nipple graft and moved it, I was able to get in their and do more pocket work on that side.  I was able to form almost a perfect pocket where I could give you the same size implants and you will have symmetry on both sides once they settle which can take months.  That’s why the implant massage is so important.  We don’t want the pockets scar tissue to freeze the implant in one place.

Q:  When will they stop aching when I wake up?

A:  Sleeping keeps your body in a position for a while, and they are sore because when you get up and move around so does the implant.  This can take months to go away.  Remember, you are only 2 weeks post-op.  (I forget this all the time)

Q:  How long do I have to wear a bra?

A:  I would like you to wear a compression bra 24/7 for at least another 2 weeks.  It’s going to be more comfortable for you at work if you wear your compression bra.

Q:  When can I begin high impact exercising?

A:  3 weeks after your last surgery, so next Thursday.  You can go running and things like that, wear a very supportive bra.  I don’t suggest lifting heavy weights.  (I guess I wasn’t supposed to shovel the driveway.  Oops!)

Q:  When can I wear a normal bra?

A:  For you, I think it’s going to be a question of when your back scars will feel well enough to wear a normal bra.  You can wear one in 2 weeks if you want and it’s comfortable, but I think you will find that a regular bra is going to cut across your scars. (Looks like I’ll be letting them wild and free more often because I can, score point #5)

Q:  How about nipple reconstruction.  I will be having this done and I know you said at least 3 months, do I have to wait longer for settling? Will this be a problem when I have my implants exchanged out later in life (they don’t last forever)

A:  We can go ahead with nipple reconstruction in 3 or so months, we can talk more about the specifics of that at your next appointment, but no, you don’t have to wait.  It will not be a problem when we go to exchange out your implants in 10 or so years.  (Point #6)

Q:  I can flex my pecs like a dude.  Also, you can really see my breasts clench when I do something like open a bottle.  Will it always be like this?  (I showed him my technique and he thought it was hilarious.  I need to find some sort of competition)

A:  No.  A muscle must have 2 attachment points to function.  When surgeons do this surgery, they can split the nerve in your lat or keep it in one piece.  I keep it in one piece because if you split the nerve you can tend to see the implant more and see more rippling.  Over time this all dies down, and because your muscle does not have two connection points (only one in my shoulders), the muscle will atrophy and you will no longer experience this sensation.

I expressed to him my concerns about the possibility of my back hurting the first few weeks of work and he told me that will be likely until those muscles are built up. Take tylenol.  I was too chicken shit to ask him for pain medicine.  Being a nurse, this hinders me.  I don’t wanna seem like a drug seeker.  So I didn’t ask.  If it gets too bad I guess I can call and see if they can give me something.  Who knows,  maybe I won’t need it.  He signed my form for me to go back to work And that was that.

It was crazy to walk to the receptionist and tell her that I didn’t need an appointment for 6 weeks.  Good feeling, but strange.  I have come to know these people and they, whether they knew it or not, had become a big part of my support system throughout this interesting journey.  (score#7) May God bless them for all of the kindness they have shown.  Thank you Dr. Greaney, Lisa, Amy, Lydia, Richard, Anna, and Josephine.

I do know one thing, if I can show my patient’s one ounce of kindness they have showed me during this process I’m doing something right.  Maybe a plastic surgeon will want me to work with them to help with their breast surgeries from a recovery and emotional level.  A girl can hope!

thetracinator 7, everyone else 0

Get ready PACU people, you better prepare because as of Monday, giggles is back.

Last PT for a month!

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I traveled to Philly today for what I was hoping was going to be my last physical therapy session.  Nope. Wrong.  I have to go back in a month.  I will take that.  They were very pleased with my progression.  I have full range of motion back!  My left is still tighter than my right side, but it has always been that way.  If I were guessing I would say that’s because I am right handed and use that arm more.  Who knows.

The physical therapist was looking at my back and I was telling him that my back scars bother me sometimes and sometimes they hurt.  I can’t wear racer back bra’s because they sit funny on my scars.  He felt around and said that’s because apparently my lat scars had adhered so they needed to be massaged out.  In other words, the fibers were set together like this:  image

 

When the ideal situation and most comfortable position of the scar fibers would be like this: image

 

So what did that mean for me???  That meant that I had to have a very painful massage of opposite directional friction with pressure.  It hurt.  It still hurts, and that was done around noon.  anything touching my back around those scars hurts.  I was shown how to perform this massage, and no it’s impossible to do it on yourself, so I have to teach Eric how to do this.  They suggest that I do this every day with a vitamin E lotion.   Oh boy!

i also got my bands back.  No more isometric exercises for me.  I am to go back to all of the old exercises starting with my red band and progressively moving up to green then blue.  I have no problem doing these exercises on my own so I have no doubt they will be pleased when I return.  I have to do them 2 times a day, so I will have to work them in before work and after.  I am going to be exhausted my first few weeks back at work.  Geesh…feeling slightly overwhelmed.  Might as well dive right in.  Monday is approaching quickly…. I see Dr. Greaney Friday so we shall see what he has to say.  I am gonna go just sit for a while. Wish me luck Friday.

Almost there…

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Well ladies and gentleman….the time has come!  This is my last week as a lonely shut in.  I have PT on Wednesday and see Dr. Greaney on Friday to hopefully get cleared so I can get  to go back to work the following Monday.  I am still sleeping upright on the chase in the living room.  They recommended that I sleep this way for at least 2 weeks, (Thursday will be 2 weeks post surgery) but I am still pretty sore when I get up in the morning.  Anyone have any thoughts on this?  Is this normal?  When does this go away?

I am actually nervous to go back to work.  Not because I forgot how to do my job, but my unit is very fast paced and we don’t have many chairs to sit, so I am afraid my back is going to be pretty sore.  Goodness I sound like an old maid. Hah.  I wonder if I am more prone to fatigue in my back because my lats are now in my boobs.  Looks like Tylenol is gonna be my best friend for a while.  I am sure I am going to be exhausted for the first few weeks.  But I will get there.

Hah, I just had a funny thought…I wonder if I could actually make my boobs bigger if I did a lot of exercises that isolate my lats.  If they ever start to sag, maybe this will be a way for me to have a non-medical lift!!!!  I showed my physical therapist my pec moving trick and he laughed pretty hard.  It’s way funnier when DD boobs are involved instead of some meatheads pecs.

Nothing has really changed boob wise, but I will continue to post a pic every week so you guys can see the progression and healing process if you choose to do so.

I can’t believe that this is almost over!  God is so good!

Tissue expanders are almost gone…

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I got the call today about when my surgery would be tomorrow. I was really hoping they would call and say “you need to be here at 0600″. Not the case. The lady calls and says…”we need you to be here at 1330.”
Crap.
Shoot.
What?
Really?
Seriously? 1330. Bleh. BUT… it’s actually happening tomorrow, so I guess I really don’t care what time it gets done just as long as it does. I CAN’T WAIT to get these rocks out of my chest. Yes, it could be worse, I am very aware of that, but I am WAY over tissue expanders. I would say I was over them about a month ago. But….doot do dooo!!!! Tomorrow is the day. Did I mention this is happening tomorrow? I am more worried about the commute into the city with all this crazy weather we have been having than the procedure. Almost there.

I pray that God blesses the hands of the doctors nurses and medical staff tomorrow. I know he will be with me the entire time. They keep telling me that this procedure is going to be a breeze compared to the last one. Let’s hope so. So please, shoot a prayer up, wish me luck, if you have the time. I would appreciate it!

Oh the lack of lats…

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My back is so sore today.  I really have been trying not to complain, but the right side of my back under my shoulder blade up to the back of my neck is is a big knot.  I don’t know if I slept funny or if I am feeling the after effects of the physical therapy.  Tried moist heat, no go.  Helped for a few minutes.  Took some Tylenol so hopefully that will kick in.  I can’t take ibuprofen because I have surgery next week.  Right now I have a icy hot patch on the area and its helping.

Today was just one of those days.  I went downstairs to let the dogs out this morning and when I get down there an overwhelming smell of vomit hit me.  Apparently one of the dogs puked all over the futon but it must have been sitting there for a while because it was completely soaked into the cushion.  That is too heavy for me to lift, so it just is  sitting in the basement all vomitty like smelling ripe.  There is no cleaning that cushion so it needs to be thrown out.  Easier said than done.  Eric’s job for the weekend.   Also, our recliner is broken.  My dad and I tried to fix it but it is unfixable. This sucks because after my exchange I have to sleep upright.  Oh well. I can prop myself up on the couch.  I don’t wanna sleep in bed because I will most likely roll on my side and I doubt this would be ideal. I’ll figure it out.  We also had to take the dogs to the vet today.  I helped my dad load them up in the car, take them in and find out Vee needs more antibiotic, needs her leg wrapped and that Lola has an infection in her right paw.  She was really gnawing on her paw this morning and I looked down and between the pads of her right foot it was all red and bloody.  Poor baby.  Our vets gonna think that we don’t take care of our dogs, but they are my kids, and I treat them that way. I spend more money on them than myself.  While we are at the vet, I get a text message from Eric saying that he got his car stuck in the neighbors yard and he had to take my dad’s jeep to work and just left the car sitting in the yard. Awesome.  Which stunk for my dad because he was planning on going home right after the vet appointment.  My dad and I got the car unstuck and he got to go home once Eric got home from work.  So today was an interesting day.  Almost there, almost there…

I feel like a water balloon

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Yesterday was my session with Dr. Greaney.  Poor guy’s secretary had 45 booked appointments for him.  We had a long discussion about what needed to be done over the next two weeks so that I will be ready for my exchange.  he asked me to tell him what I thought about my breasts and how I was feeling overall up to this point.  I showed him the areas of loose skin and wrinkles on my right side and expressed the concern that my right breast was significantly smaller, and it seems as if the nipple graft that he has place is pointing downward.  I also noticed that I have much more swelling under my armpit  on the right side as well.  He listened to my assessment, re-looked and agreed.  He took a moment to feel the swelling under each arm and explained that when you have expanders in, they like to take the path of least resistance which, in this case is outward.  Because my right needs more filling, you notice the expander (swelling) more than on the other side.  He also explained that because my right breast was larger to start out there is more skin to fill, and that is why it seems that my nipple is pointing downward.  As my breast gets fuller, it will lift a long with the skin.  I told him that I just want my skin to be filled in.  He said I needed some more in my left breast but not much, and that we would be filling the right breast much more aggressively.  I got 60 mL in the left, and 90 mL in the right.  You can notice a difference in the right breast.  This time was a bit more uncomfortable because I have the sensation to the tops of my breast. I felt that needle going in this time. It wasn’t that bad.  The most uncomfortable part was that I could actually feel them expanding. Again overall not painful, just uncomfortable.  The part that you don’t think about is as the front gets bigger it pulls the skin on your back more taught.  This actually makes my scars on my back ache.   It’s hard to explain the sensation after a fill. Yes, you feel like you are wearing an inner tube made for a 3 yr old around your chest, but you also have a strange pain/ache at the insertion site.  The upper parts of your breasts are bulging, they look like water balloons.  The area under your arms and your armpits get sore from the new volume that has suddenly appeared, and you have a muscular constant ache in the front that shoots toward your back.  When you cough/sneeze/laugh/take a deep breath, they move and it’s an odd sensation.  It’s like a muscle contraction with a bounce at the end.  But, the end is in sight!  I have another fill on Friday, and probably next week as well.  but I am almost there and have come a long way.  AWESOME!  Pre admission testing today, if we can get there (it’s snowing like crazy) and PT tomorrow.  One day down, 4more to go… :)

Resources page

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I have finally posted a resources page!!! It took me forever to get everything together and it is by no means even close to all of the millions of resources there are, but these are ones I looked at frequently before my surgery.  If you are on the home page of my blog, the resources are in their own page.  It is listed as as a Resources tab at the top of the page.

If anybody out there has questions about the sites, just post and I will get back to you.  If you have questions as to why I chose the route that I did or anything about my surgery or recovery, please don’t hesitate to ask.  You will not offend me or make me feel bad, every question is valid.  I would love to tell you everything that’s in this head! Post!!! I just hope all of this helps somebody out there.

I had better rest up this weekend, next week is going to be a doozy!

It’s the little things

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It’s the little things.

It’s amazing how it’s the little thing that really make your day.  These are the things you tend to remember.  It’s that person going out of their way because the wanted to, it’s that person who took a moment to send a prayer because they wanted to, it’s that person who picked up the phone just to say hi because they were thinking about you, and it’s that person who posted something nice on your Facebook wall or sent you a nice pin on Pinterest.  I never really paid attention to the little things.  Well not consciously anyways.  This entire experience has proved to me that the little things matter.  The little things make up the big things.  I have really gotten to take a step back and pay attention to the little things…

a phone call from my brother Michael everyday

a second card in the mail this weekend from my co-workers in PACU just telling me to heal because they miss me at work

countless amount of cards from countless numbers of people

its the wonderfully beautiful pin that Julie Hamilton sent me on Pinterest that made me smile.

its the pictures from my brothers and sisters showing me the funny things that my nephews and nieces are doing, like fake tattoos and an elephant named earplugs

image     image   image     image

it’s the message on Facebook from my Aunt Kim telling me a funny story that explains no matter how silly the question, it’s been asked before and is valid.

its the card sent every single day from my Grandma that makes me smile

its Brock Stine who sent me the nicest email anyone has ever sent me

its my sister Annie who came to take care of me one weekend, and who always answers the phone when I need someone to talk to

its Lois Atwood who is my moms friend that doesn’t know me very well but came to visit me and see how I was doing just because she wanted to and prays for me always.

its my brother Patrick surprising me on Thanksgiving by driving up from Nashville

its my sister Amy, her boyfriend Mychal, and my brother Patrick coming to spend New Years Eve with me even though we weren’t doing anything special, just so I could have a fun night

its the many people who left encouraging messages on my blog cheering me on!   I love them

its the super fluffy robe from my Aunt Judy that made pinning my drains after a shower so much easier

its Julie Lurwick who continues to visit me even though I am really no fun

its the people like Kris Armstrong that have offered help and support from afar

its my sister-in-law Erin South who researched bras for me and recommended some

its people like Liz McElroy who has passed my blog on to her plastic surgeon friends so that they can experience from a patients perspective, who also with her other WOCN nurse Kersten sent me a beautiful Sabika breast cancer awareness necklace.

its the phone calls from La at work just checking in even though she’s going through a major health issue herself

its the very thoughtful gifts of things from Bev, Keri, and Julie to help me through my recovery

its the people who took the time to drive here to visit just because they wanted to see me

its all of the people who prayed for me because they loved me enough to do that

its people like Keri Sowers whom I haven’t seen since high school that follows my progress and leaves me wonderful uplifting messages on my blog.

its people like Vera who make little notes on my blog frequently that let me know she is reading and she cares

its my husband Eric that cheers me on everyday while I am doing my exercises, is patient with me because I am still slow, cooks dinner even though he doesn’t really know how and has been known to burn things (it was good),takes the time to talk to me when I am feeling anxious and reassures me that it will be ok, sucking it up and doing all the things I normally do because I can’t yet.  These are little things that to me Are BIG things.

its my Dad who came and spent countless hours doing nothing with me and driving me back to Philly (this is a BIG thing), who cooks dinner for me, who has breakfast and coffee waiting every morning when I get up,  who uses the snowblower to clear my driveway and sidewalks when we get 6 inches of snow

and it’s my mom.  This is a BIG thing and a bunch of little things all wrapped into one.  She was there every step of the way, taking care of me when I had a hard time taking care of myself, taking care of my dogs, sleeping on the couch for weeks because I had to sleep on the recliner just so she could wake up in the middle of the night to give me my medicine, the many,many trips to Philly even though it stressed her out, she cooked a month worth of meals to put in my freezer so dinner would be easy, the phone calls on a random day just to see how I am doing, and the prayers.

And it’s God.  He blessed the hands of the doctors and nurses that took care of me, he heals my body and soul, he is listening to the countless prayers that I have sent up even though I don’t deserve his Grace.  He listened to all of those who prayed for me.  He showed me that people are good and people take the time to show his Grace by doing the “little things”.

See, these are all little things, things that people have done, not thinking twice about doing them that mean so much to me.  It’s these “little things” that helped me get through this.  So, you see, the little things aren’t little things at all.  They are H.   U.   G.   E.  

Thank you everyone.  There are many,many other people who have done “little things” for me that I have not mentioned, but please know I know who you are and I appreciate your love and support and am thankful.  Oh so very thankful.

 

 

 

This made me chuckle

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I did NOTHING today.  Ok, so I woke up laid on the couch, took a 4 hr nap, did my exercises, and then cleaned the blood splatter off the wall that I somehow totally overlooked for the past week after Vee cut her leg. Oh, I put together a 500 piece puzzle and was on Pinterest.  This made me chuckle and I wanted to share.  I love clever hilariousness.

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Questions

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A lot of people that I have talked to say that they haven’t seen any pictures on my site.   When you get to the home page, where you are now, you will see different hyperlinks at the top.  One says home, one says about me, one says my story, and the last says Pictures (very graphic, if you have a weak stomach maybe you shouldn’t look).  That is where I post all of the surgical pictures.  Some people may not want to see my anatomy, I respect and understand that, therefore I put them in their own space.  I add to that page frequently, so just keep checking and scrolling down.

Speaking of questions, I always have a multitude of questions for Dr. Greaney when I go see him.  I see him once or twice a week.  How can one person have so many questions?  Who the hell knows, but I sure do.  I even surprise myself with the amount of questions I have, but I have always been that way I guess.  I like to learn and understand even if most of it seems like commom sense to others.  I type them as I think of them on my iPhone notepad and when I walk into his office before he does an exam or an expansion he asks to see “the notepad”.  He chuckles at some of my questions,  but takes me seriously and answers all of them, no matter how silly they may be.  I wish I would have saved all of them but I can remember a few…

1.  I have metal ports with a squishy center ( like a Port-A-Cath) in each breast.  I asked ” If I have to go through a metal detector, am I going to set of the alarms?”  He just kinda looked at me odd and said “In all of my years of working as a plastic surgeon, no one has ever asked me that question, but it’s a valid one.  And no, you won’t need a card to carry, if you go through a full body scanner they will see them, but when they pull you into the room all you have to do is pull up your shirt and they won’t ask anymore questions.” I thought that was funny.  So I’m either stupid for coming up with that question, taking this waaaaaay to seriously, or am a superior question asker.  I like to think the latter.

2.  As most of you who follow my blog already know I had a 3 inch section of hair missing from the back of my head after the surgery.  For those of you reading for the first time, it was the start of a pressure ulcer, check it out on my pics page.  So, one of my questions that day was “Dr. Greaney, did you have to shave my head for neuro-monitoring during the procedure? I have a three inch section of hair missing and I am a little bit curious why.”  He laughed at me and said no, I think he thought I was losing my shit, but I pull out my handy dandy iPhone and show him the picture.  I took (and take) pictures of EVERYTHING.  His face got red, like he was angry, gets his gloves on and looks at my head.  He said “Holy Crap, that is the start of a pressure ulcer! This is ridiculous, this should have never happened!”  He turned around, picked up the phone and called head of anesthesiology and had a few words with them.

3.  I ask the vain questions like “Will there always be hair on my nipples?”,  “Why is my right boob smaller than my left?”   “How many mL’s are in them now?”  “What can I do to help with my scaring?”  Yeah, I totally ask the vain questions. LOTS OF THEM.

4.  But then I ask questions like “Can I cut my Valium dose down? It’s not making me feel great emotionally and I don’t think I need this big of a dose.  Can I strictly use it as a PRN if I have a spasm.”  He advised me to cut my dose in half for 2 weeks, then use it as a PRN.

5.  L.      O.    T.     S.    AND.   L.       O.        T.        S.        AND.          L.          O.          T.           S.    of questions.

Dr. Greaney is awesome.  Never once has he rushed me, he takes me seriously, and he can joke around and just have a person to person conversation with me.  Never ever in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought I could have a normal conversation, feeling comfortable, with a complete stranger (well not now) with no shirt on.  Boobies hanging in the wind (well they don’t really hang, but you get my point) Heck, he knows more about my boobs than I do, he made them!  I AM SO HAPPY HE IS MY DOCTOR.  I can’t say it enough.  He is good stuff, a good soul that God blessed with some crazy good surgical skills.  Same goes for Dr. Lazar who was the breast surgeon.   Top notch.

One of these days that I have a little time, I’ll post a resources page for all of those who are interested to learn more.  I should have done that by now, but recovery is hard.

But, I stumbled across this picture today, has nothing to do with boobs or surgery or reconstructions, or cancer, it just made me smile.  My nephews, and G would think this is awesome.

Turtles

Peeeteee

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Yup, had the wonderful PT today.  My left arm feels like gumby.  You know when a part of your body falls asleep and you have a hard time lifting it up?   That’s how my left arm feels. Like gumby.  All wobbly and stuff.  It’s very strange.  It makes me half crazy.  Like I wanna bang my arm against the wall until it works right.  I don’t know if my muscles on that side are tight, or if I was over stretched, or if my arm is that fatigued. Who knows.  All I know is that it’s a strange feeling. I moved up a color on my band.  I now have blue.  Woooooohhhooooooooo!!!!!!!!

image This is what they do to me before they stretch me out.

 PT just keeps getting more exciting. The best part of PT was that I don’t have to go back next week.  I get to start spreading them out!!! Hopefully we will stick to every other week.  I can handle that. I also got shown how to massage my lat muscles that make up the base of my chest. Thank goodness my dad wasn’t back there with me.  Can you say awkward.  Apparently I have to massage the base and lateral sides of my breasts as often as I can.  Kinda weird to do when your dad is sitting across the room from you.  Lol.  I also have to lightly massage down the expanders at the top of my chest. It’s a strange feeling because I can feel the pressure, but I can’t feel any sensation. Let me tell you this whole process has been a strange one, but the end is in sight.   The final exchange takes place on Feb 6th and then it will be over.  Sure, I will have my nipple reconstruction, but that is an outpatient procedure and can wait.  I’ll post a new pic of my chest after the double fill and see if anyone can tell a difference.  November 14, it sure didn’t feel like I was ever gonna get to this point.  Thanks God for watching over me always.

I feel like a inner tube, calm your tits

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I got double pumped yesterday.   I had a conversation with my plastic surgeon about my fears of not being able make it back to work when my FMLA runs out on Feb 4th.  It seemed far fetched to me that we could get me completely expanded, have an implant exchange, recover, and get back to work by that time.  My gut was correct.  He said that realistically, he would be able to get me back to work 2 weeks after that feb. 4th date.  In order to do this he needs to be more aggressive with my expansions.  See, we are behind in the first place because my right lat drain kept dumping out fluid.   Normally a drain is in for 3-4 weeks, (All of my other 3 drains were removed in that time frame) but my right lat drain didn’t want to cooperate.  It stayed in for 7 weeks.  Then, after that was removed I developed a large “boob” on my back (seroma).  Who knew I would go in and pay for two boobs, but come home with 3! Hah. having that drained was interesting. Boy oh boy am I glad I couldn’t feel anything because you could see through that needle end to end. Bleh.  Eric almost passed out and he was on the opposite side,  it made me chuckle.   Anyways…that whole ordeal delayed my expansions which is what has delayed my retune to work.  So, yesterday instead of getting expanded with 60 mL’s in each side, I got 100 mL’s on each side.  I felt like I was squeezed into an inner tube.  It felt like if you threw me in the river I would float.  But, that surely isn’t the case because right now I am carrying over 400 mL on each side.  I would sink.  I am walking around with almost a full liter on my chest.  I know, i know, that seems like a huge amount, but trust me, I am not going Pam Anderson’s first boob job size.  Remember, they took all of my breast tissue, so unlike a normal breast augmentation, I have to make up for that tissue that normally sits on top with fluid.  I am only being expanded out to where they fit in my skin where there are no more wrinkles or loose skin.  For me, that will probably end up being 600-650.  Remember, I was a 36 D before.  So from here on out, we are being as aggressive as my body will allow.  I have a week break to allow my body to adjust to the extra volume and see how I do, then I will be expanded on Monday and Friday of the next week.  Sounds like fun right?

So I was nervous about this while being over my FMLA time because of my job.  FMLA protects my job and holds it for me.  I was worried that work would be upset with me for going over my time.  I am an idiot for thinking that.  I luckily have the 2 great managers and a whole team of coworkers who are so supportive.  I spoke with my managers today and their only concern was that I was taking care of myself and would recover fully and appropriately.  Whew! Weight off my shoulders.  God is good.

My implant exchange is on February 6th.  I can’t wait!   These expanders are super hard.  I am almost there.  I just can’t wait to get these rocks out and have some nice squishy silicone put in.

i have PT tomorrow.  Woooooohooooooo!  Yet again I am so excited.

imageThis is how excited I am.

 

I have been reading a lot

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I have lots of time in between the exciting schedule I have that I explained in my last post, and my current topic of interest is clean eating. It seems many people lately have this form of cancer or that form of cancer and it’s happening to people younger and younger. I was watching an article on a girl who is 23 and had breast cancer, had a mastectomy reconstruction, radiation, and chemotherapy. 23 Holy crap! That is seriously young. Apparently she had kept her cell phone in her bra and it was precisely that area where the tumor was. They can’t confirm that the cellphone did or did not cause the tumor, but it really got me thinking about my everyday activities and things that I could do to make myself healthier. This poor girls cancer has spread and now she is fighting another battle, my prayers go out to her and her family. I can’t even begin to imagine. As a lot of you know, I work in the PACU (post anesthesia care unit) and I work with people who are just emerging from the anesthesia after surgery. This year I cannot tell you the number of 30 something women who came in and had to have surgery/chemo/radiation for breast cancer. That is me! I am 30 something. What are we doing as a society that is causing cancer to ravage us? I was listening to Howard Stern (I know, very controversial, but he is an intelligent man with a lot of intelligent things to say if you weed through the rest) and his co-host to his radio show, Robin Quivers just had a year from hell. She had a form of uterine cancer that produced a large tumor. We have listened to Howard Stern for years and have heard of all the “new fad” things that Robin does to try and make herself healthier. She became a vegetarian, but she talks about her clean healthy eating style and says that the doctors told her that the rest of her body was in such good health that it helped her pull through and attributed to her recovery. It really got me thinking about all the crap we dump into our bodies. Margarine? One molecule away from plastic? That can’t be good. Using plastic bottles and containers that aren’t BPA free. That can’t be good. Meat and dairy that have been fed hormones and genetically modified diets? Do you know how much pus is in you dairy because of the vigorous milking procedures? Gross. Aspartame? I have read NOTHING good about it. NOTHING. We are what we eat, and holy crap, I need an overhaul on my dietary habits. So this is a goal for me this year. I will not become a vegetarian, I like to eat meat now and then, but I will be trying to eat clean. I am gonna try and remove processed, enriched, chemically altered foods from my diet. It’s gonna take a while to get there, and will need to be a thought in my mind all the time. Hopefully this time next year I will be able to say I am a clean eater. I have been reading a lot from a fellow word press writer, her site is cleaneatingintexas.worpress.com She is very knowledgable and if you wanna check it out its a good place to start. That ends my rant for the day.

My Dad is on his way here to be here with me this week to take me to my Dr.’s appointments. I got a call from him a little bit ago that said he had to pull over because his windshield wipers froze. We are getting freezing rain here now so pray that he makes it safely. I LOVE it that my parents come to help me out. It is AWESOME. They are AWESOME. I am truly blessed.

I am currently reading a book (yes,you read that right, it’s not on my kindle) that my grandmother gave me for Christmas. It’s called Grace Happens Here by Max Lucado.  Very nice, easy read, but there was a little blurb I read today that made me remember that this recovery process is gradual and it’s not gonna happen all at once like I sometimes seem to want it to.  This is the blurb:

You are a trophy of God’s kindness, a partaker of his mission.  Not perfect by any means but closer to perfection than you’ve ever been.  Steadily stronger, gradually better.  This happens when grace happens.

I know this is talking about ones spiritual strength but I took it literally and applied it to my current situation.  Hopefully both spiritually and physically I will be steadily stronger and gradually better.  Thank you for the book Grandma! I love you!

p.s. the boobs are doing great!

Wake up, breakfast, PT,lunch, nap, PT,dinner, TV, repeat.

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Yes my friends, that seems to be my everyday. I repeat that cycle over and over and over again. I don’t really go out to much, because frankly there is no need, I can’t drive, and I DONT WANT TO GET SICK. I am NOT a germaphobe, but I feel like if I got sick right now it would delay my progress. I go out when I need to, Dr.’s appointments, pharmacy, grocery, etc…but I choose to stay in. I want to recover and get back to “normal” (not so sure I was ever “normal”) but normal for me. I can feel it. I am getting stronger and stronger every day. The PT (even though I hate it and it’s hard) is really working. I do it religiously. I don’t know if all of you out there who know me know this or not, but I have a HUGE guilt complex. I don’t like to let anyone down, especially myself. I am bound and determined to get better and to do it by working hard. Call it a middle child syndrome or whatever you want to call it, but I hate it when I feel like I am letting someone down. For example: last week at PT my left shoulder was really tight and it was painful when he was manipulating it (more so than normal). Funny enough, this is NOT the side that I had the seroma on. He told me that I wasn’t stretching aggressively enough. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to, but apparently I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough. So, what do I do? I push myself harder ( not too hard, trust me, I am doing it all within my capabilities). I now stretch 3x daily and do it with more vigor. I will be damned if the Physical Therapist says that to me again. Sometimes you need that, a kick in the butt to get you back on track. I don’t think I ever fell off the track but I needed to push a little harder. Complacency makes one lazy.
So today I had an appointment and then Eric and I had lunch at Plaza Azteca. It was nice to get out for a little and feel like a normal part of the society. Then, our friends Shane and Jill came over to hang out for the Eagles game. I haven’t seen them since the surgery so it was good to get to spend some quality time with them. Good friends are good for the soul.
So even though today was just a random Saturday in January, it was a win for me. My mom is coming back tomorrow to take me to my appointments this week. Excited to see her. It’s always nice when you have someone to hang out with.

Fight like a girl

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I was worried about today and staying home by myself for the first time (I am very capable) but Eric rearranged his schedule so he could work from home. Thank goodness he did. Thank you so much Eric. Vee cut her leg and we couldn’t get it to stop bleeding, I eventually had to wrap a hand towel around her leg and wrap it tight with tape) and apparently Lola has a raging ear infection. We spend a large chunk of our day at the vet. Vee has to wear this stupid collar and take an antibiotic and Lola has to have a medication put in her ear 2x a day And she is quite the diva. You put that stuff in her ear and she runs a circle around the downstairs of the house, stops in front of you, snorts, then flops herself down on the couch and rolls around grunting for a few minutes. This happens about 3 times and then she’s ok. It’s super funny, hopefully I can catch it on video. Poor baby Vee. This collar she has to wear is ridiculous.
Poor vee
I’m glad they didn’t have to put a collar like that on me after my surgery.

I am feeling more settled now today, my anxieties are relieving. God is good. I am able to do a lot more, and I am feeling pretty good. Sure, there are those days when I am sore, but this is to be expected. I am still taking Valium for my muscle spasms but I cut my dose in half (2.5 2 times daily) because I think the side effects are causing me some emotional issues. I don’t struggle with anxiety and depression on a normal basis so those chemicals and pathways in my brain aren’t mixed up. Yes, Valium is used for muscle spasms, but it is mainly used for anxiety and depression. I think it was having the opposite effect on me. I spoke with Dr. Greaney about my need for this medicine and he told me to continue for a few dats after my seroma drainage but if I felt ok to take half for a few days and then none. Unless I was having spasms. I am doing great so far with half the dose. It’s those little things that make you see how you are improving.
I did discover a new talent today. Apparently even though my lat muscles are no longer located in the normal place (they make up the base of my breast) they still function in the same way that they normally would. For example, when I twist off the cap to a water bottle, my boobs flex. It’s the weirdest sensation, but it’s hilarious at the same time. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger very time I open a bottle. Lol. I can beat any man in a pec flexing competition any day of the week. Hah.
Thank you to all of you who prayed for me for being overwhelmed, and thank you to all of you who pray for me just because you do. If means more to me than any gift or treat anyone could give me. Thank you all.

Happy New Year!

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Happy New Year everyone! I am excited that 2013 is over, it was a very tough year for me in many ways. Leave the past behind…onward. So yesterday was Eric and I’s 4th anniversary! Yay us. We had an exciting day of PT in Philly, a trip to the grocery store (sorry, no Bed Bath and Beyond, we didn’t have the time hah), then I came home and took a nice 4.5 hr nap. It was awesome! I had to get up because my sister Amy, her boyfriend Mychal, and my brother Patrick came to celebrate the New Year with us. I have seen Pat more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years! I am not very exciting the day of PT or the day after but it was nice of them to come and entertain Eric and I for the holiday! Eric and I rang in the New Year talking about how we didn’t think we would be celebrating the New Year attending Dr.’s appointments. We we’re hoping to wait to have to to that until we are old and grey, but hey, it is what it is. We have decided we will celebrate our anniversary when I’m feeling better. So to everyone out there who is reading this, Happy New Year and I hope that this year allows your wildest dreams to come true. Thank you God for getting me through 2013.

Christmas Sausage

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I seriously feel like an over stuffed sausage. This seroma is out of control and now I have a second one on my lower left side making my love handles look even larger.
Seroma 1
Seroma 2

I feel like an over stuffed sausage. I feel horrible. My back hurts, my skin feels tight, my ROM is limited, it hurts under my armpits, and I feel like someone stuck a tube in me and filled me up with water. I look like the hunchback of Notre Dame!!! Right now I feel lucky that my sensations are dulled because I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable so I can only imagine how horrible this would be if I had all my feeling. Seromas are very common after this surgery, but this one on my upper right side is HUGE. Of course it has to happen when the office is closed, but it’s been a few days so what are a few more? Patience is a virtue. Hopefully I will be able to get an appointment on Monday. I worry about all the pressure on my back incisions. I don’t know if my body is absorbing any of the fluid adding to the additional all over body discomfort or what, but I feel like a punching bag that’s been repeatedly punched. I have PT on Tuesday, but I have a sinking feeling they are gonna have to put the drain back in. If it makes me feel better, I really don’t care. Oh well, could be worse! I could have full sensation!

Seroma city

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I wake up this morning and my right side and arm are feeling a little odd, thought nothing of it, I just thought that maybe I slept funny. Went about my day and eventually get around to taking a shower, take my clothes off and happen to glance in the mirror.
Left side
This is my left side, looks pretty normal, no problems there.
Right side
This is my right side. Very different as you can see. It’s larger now. Pretty sure I have a seroma. So I just kinda did my exercises hoping it was just some swelling and would go away. It just keeps getting bigger and it’s tight. So at this point I think maybe I should call the Dr. to see if I should do anything about this. Did I mention I am a genius? The office is closed and I get the answering service and apparently Dr. Greaney likes to talk to his patients directly so they call the poor guy at home and I got to talk to him. I bet he was pumped! I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk to me the day after Christmas on one of only times you get off all year. What a lucky guy. He confirmed that yes it was probably a seroma and it’s completely normal, happens frequently, and it’s nothing to worry about. He said it would most likely get bigger, oh joy! And that there is no need for me to go to the emergency room or drive to Philly. It can wait until my PT appointment on Tuesday. Made me feel better mentally, but didn’t make my back feel much better. Apparently there is nothing you can do to help alleviate a seroma except to have a large needle stuck into your back and have the fluid sucked out. I seriously can’t wait for that. I don’t think I will be able to sleep for the next few nights out of excitement!!!! Uh, no. Part of the deal, I get it, I just gotta suck it up, put on my big girl panties, and let them poke me. I guess the other day when I said I was feeling like an over stuffed sausage being slowly baked, I was closer to the actual thing than I thought. You poke me and warm fluid comes out. Awesome.

Cloudy drains and fire throwing turtles

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Today was a pretty good day. I woke up with a headache, stupid sinuses. I wanted to sleep in, but of course I was up at 7:45. Came out on the couch and just laid there. Took some meds for my headache, and vegged out. My Dad made me some of his delicious waffles again. If that doesn’t start your day off right then I don’t know what will.

I am a little worried because since the last PT appointment, my JP drainage has been cloudy. I am on an antibiotic, have been since November 13. Yes, I am taking a probiotic. I DO NOT want C-Diff. This one stupid drain…
Cloudy JP

I have an appointment Monday so we shall see what he says. I have a feeling that my Christmas wish of getting that drain out is not gonna happen. Oh well.

We completed the fire throwing turtle today. I drew it and colored the letters and fireball, but my Dad had to color the rest of the turtle because I couldn’t keep my arms up that long and they were getting tired. Hopefully he looks at it.
Fire TMNT

I had to miss my best friend Pam’s baby sex revealing party tonight. She lives on Long Island, and I wanted to be there so bad, but I have a hard time just traveling to Philly and I knew it would be too much. P, I am so sorry I missed your big day, but I am super pumped that G video taped it for me!!!! Congrats on the soon to be little lady Furey! Love her already!

Today sucks

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Every day after physical therapy is usually a hard day for me, but today is especially bad. I got worked over twice yesterday, got new exercises, and moved up a step in band strength from red to green. My physical therapy totaled 2 hrs and 15 minutes yesterday. That’s a lot of arm and boob manipulation. I didn’t particularly feel good when I got up this morning but I figured if I drank a cup of coffee and just got up and moving I would feel better. So I get up, get myself together, and decide to just go ahead and get my therapy over with. Dude. the regular exercises went ok with the tougher band, but then the 4 other new exercises added to my routine really were difficult. It hurt, and was no fun. BUT I DID IT. ALL OF IT. I had to sit down at one point because I thought I was gonna pass out, but I did it. Then we have all the new stretching exercises. Stretching feels good, but after doing these exercises stretching is no fun. I really had a hard time. I was mad at my self because I couldn’t just do this and be done with it, I had to struggle. And yes, I struggled. After I was all done I just had to sit there for a while. My armpits were quivering. Have you ever had your armpits quiver? It’s a weird sensation. Trust me. Once my body relaxed and I calmed down I decided to take a pain pill. Good idea. But bad idea because I didn’t eat anything with it. I know better than to do that. Sometimes i really am a dumbass, but I was hurting and not thinking. Guess what happened? About 20 minutes later I feel like I am gonna scream daisies. So I make some lemon ginger tea (thanks Casey) sniff on an alcohol pad (the tricks you learn in PACU) and force myself to eat something. The thought of eating something made me wanna yak, but I knew if I could just get something down I would feel better. You should have seen me, I’m sure it was hilarious….sniffing an alcohol pad cramming ritz crackers down my throat as fast as I could because if I didn’t do it fast there was no way I would be able to get them down.
I am sweating at this point. I DO NOT WANNA PUKE. I was saying this over and over, it was my mantra, my mom was laughing cause I kept saying “I’m not gonna puke, I’m not gonna puke,I’m not gonna puke”
Well, so far I haven’t puked, my mom made me some rice, and I’m feeling less nauseated.

My drain holes hurt. These things are a pain in the ass. It’s been a month. I know there are millions of people out there that have way worse things going on with them than two stupid drains and I shouldn’t complain, but today I just can’t help it. I have them taped so they don’t move around. I am a side sleeper, and I haven’t been able to sleep on my side for a whole month. Blah. I want you all to see that this sucks sometimes and I have bad days. And today sucks a big one. But……it’s only 1251 and it can only get better from here, so here is to a better rest of the day.

I hope everyone out there is having a good day, and if not, that sucks and I feel your pain, and I hope your day gets better.

PT double time and a little nugget named Kennedy

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so today I got to do double the PT. First I met with a woman who worked the crap out of my arms. Apparently, my range of motion is 160. This is great, but HOLY CRAP IT HURTS! She taught me some new wonderful exercises that make me feel as though my arms are gonna pop out of the sockets like Barbies can. It was GREAT! She also gave me a green band. Wooohhhhooooo. I had red before. I liked the red better. It was easier. Lol.

Then they send in the PT tech who gives me more exercises with names like the seatbelt and the sword.

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Gotta love the images. That’s some super quality, but for simpletons like me that works! We did all of these exercises (7) 10x each. Yay! It was sooo much fun. Then the other PT guy comes in.

His big focus for me is protein. I eat more on the vegetarian side of things so he has really been stressing my need for protein. I have been eating tons! Eggs, beans, meat, cottage cheese. You name it, if it has protein I’m shoving it down the gullet.

Well then I had the pleasure of getting reworked by him. Yes, he was super dooper impressed with my progress, but WOW it hurt. He did a lot of lat massage. The plastic surgeon had to take my entire lat to use and they are laying on top of my chest wall. So my lats, still connected to my shoulders are now the base (the bottom part of my boob) I had the pleasure of having these roughly massaged today. It’s like having a really bad cramp in your back, the grissle kind and having someone continually place very firm pressure on it for about 15 minutes. Each side. Fun, fun. Fun fun fun fun fun FUN. it was so much fun I whistled zippity do dah out my butthole!

Ok, so enough about me, I want to tell everyone that my beautiful friend Stacy Anderson and her husband Travis had a beautiful baby girl Kennedy Grace on December 3rd. She was 5 weeks early, but mom, baby, and dad are all doing well. They have made it home, but she is recovering from a c-section which I can imagine is much harder than what I am doing. Please pray for them, this is their first child and they need all the love, prayers, and positive thoughts that they can get. Stacy is a good friend of mine, one of the best, so please, take a minute to celebrate another wonderful little person that made it into this world. Congrats Stacy and Travis!!!! God is good.

Physical therapy

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Ouch. O.U.C.H.

Well, the day didn’t start out so well.  We left the house 2 hrs early for my 4pm appointment, thinking we had plenty of time to get there seeing as how it only takes us an hour to get the Office. Nope.

nada.

eeeeeeerrrr.

WRONG

We were approximately 45 minutes late.  I called, at 3:45 trying to be nice to tell them that there was an accident and that we were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.  that was fine.  About 20 minutes later I get a call from one of the  ladies at the office and I got a not so pleasant response from (we will call her Mrs. Happy Pants). Let me tell you this has not been my first fun phone call with Mrs. Happy Pants. Anyways… She says “you know the dr. Has to leave in 20 minutes.” um, yeah, thank you Captain Obvious.

So I get there and my anxiety level is at about a 20.  I didn’t get nervous when they were gonna cut my boobs off, but being late for an appointment made me have that not so lovely hoagie sweat.  Anything that I do that inconveniences another person or makes them upset tends to cause me high anxiety. yet another tragic flaw.

I wait in the lobby for 5 minutes before anyone comes to check me in.  The physical therapy tech calls me back and I start apologizing, almost in tears cause I probably ruined his evening, but he was nice and told me not to sweat it cuz shit happens.

The physical therapist came in and he was WONDERFUL.  So nice and happy.  I love happy people.  He asked me the normal questions and asked when I had my procedure and then I had to lay on the table. This was when the real fun began.  NOT.  He pulled my arm up over my head, ok that hurt but nothing crazy, then he rotates my arm out and begins lifting the muscles under my armpits.  Holy crap if you could have seen in my head it probably looked like this (AAAAAHHHHH MOTHER F$&/%*#, bleep, $&@/%^*******+}>.%,€}. )  then he moves to my other arm and same thing .  I was sweating, and I mean like beads of sweat on my lip sweating at this point.  Then….he begins to pinch under my pectoral muscles to lift the expander.  My toes were curled and not in a good way.  Those drains that I was hoping to have removed are now pouring out blood.  Apparently this is normal.  I guess we are at the point were I should name them.  Suggestions anyone?????

So physical therapy sucked, but apparently I am way ahead of the game and the physical therapist was very impressed.  He gave me some exercises to do at home and gave me 5 instuctions that I must follow.

  1. Do my exercises 2 times a day increasing by one set each day
  2. deep breathe
  3. inspect my boobies every day with a mirror and report ANY changes
  4. eat more protein
  5. rest and let myself heal

Luckily I am a really good at eating and my mom is a fabulous cook.  And I am really good at resting.

The last thing that my physical therapist asked me before I left (and he has been the first medical professional to ask me this) was how my head was.  Of course me being a bit dense said ” it’s good, I don’t have any headaches” and he laughs and says “no funny, how are you emotionally.” I told him “honestly it’s great.  I was not attached to my boobs, they were attached to me.  I guess you could say that I believe that I am greater than the sum of my parts.” He just kinda looked at me and said “wow.  How mature ( if he really knew me and knew that i at I can’t help but laugh when anyone farts he may think differently!)

Even though therapy sucked and it was no fun, I will go willingly and with a smile on my face because of the kindness and genuine empathy that my physical therapist showed me.  There are really good people out there and in all the crap you see on TV and read in the newspaper, remember that the good people are out there and they will hopefully cross your path when you need them the most.

Why

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I get a lot of people that ask me why I did this.

“Why would you just go and have major surgery when you don’t have breast cancer?”  

Well, unfortunately my genes don’t really swing in my favor when it comes to breast cancer.  I have been seeing breast cancer ravish those that I love for a long time.  In elementary school my very best friend Lindsay lost her mom to breast cancer.  What a young age to lose someone as important as your mom.   Patty was like my second mom.  I have the opportunity to prevent this from ever happening to my future kids (if I ever have them) or to my loved ones.  I’d like to think that Patty is proud of me for making this decision.  Then there was my Aunt Joyce.  She was diagnosed, and eventually went into remission.  With breast cancer though, if you opt not to have a mastectomy, the incidence of the recurrence of breast cancer in the next 5 years following the first is high. This is what happened in her case.  She lost that battle and we all watched her suffer through the trials and tribulations of trying to balance a life while feeling like you got hit by a truck.  My Aunt Patty and my Aunt Marlana, both diagnosed with breast cancer had mastectomies.  They are doing wonderfully.  So, I guess you can say that I got my strength and drive to have this procedure from my Aunt Patty and Aunt Mar.  They set a good example for me.  Thank you ladies. I love you both.

“Aren’t you attached to your breasts? Are you still gonna feel like a woman?”

Well technically my boobs are attached to me and no, I don’t feel a special “connection” with my boobs.  two fat sacks sitting on my chest…nope no connection.  I have never nursed a child so maybe if I had I would feel differently.  You can’t miss something you never had.   My boobs, to me, are not something that define me as a woman.  Last time I checked I still have other woman parts so I’m good to go there. ;).

“Just because you are BRCA1 positive doesn’t mean you will get breast cancer”

This is true.  But, for me, it was like a ticking time bomb hanging over my head. It was always in the back of my mind.  Sure, there are mammograms and MRI’s and all that happy crap to screen, but in someone my age with dense breasts, mammograms are not a good detector of breast cancer.

“Aren’t you sad that you will never be able to breast feed a child”

Uh, nope.  I would much rather be around to have a child than risk the possibility of getting cancer and not being able to have a kid.  I know plenty of women with normal breasts that have tried to breast feed and it didn’t work out.

“Aren’t you worried your boobs are gonna look funny after the surgery?”

No.  I took a while to research doctors in the area.  This was not a quick decision for me.  Sure, I could have had the procedure near my house with doctors in the area, but if I was going to do this, I wanted it to be done by doctors that specialize in this area and do these surgeries all day every day.  I could not be happier with the doctors that I chose.  My boobs are going to look better after all this then they did before.

 

Hopefully this gives everyone a little bit of insight into why I did what I did.  Feel free to ask me questions or give me input, even if you don’t agree with my choice.  Hopefully I can help people understand my choice.

Another day down.

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Today was a pretty good day.  Had a much easier time getting up to go to the bathroom. Able to eat  some and I even took a walk down the driveway to the mailbox to get the mail!  Success!  My JP drains,( I have 4) have been putting out less and less fluid every day.

jp's

I get tired pretty easy, but have been trying to limit my naps.  I wanna try and stay awake during the day in hopes to sleep through the night.  Trying to decrease my pain medications, but I still need them.  i guess that’s what they are there for.  I’m pretty sore under each armpit and on the lateral aspect of each of my breasts.  It’s weird, because I don’t have sensation when someone touches but it hurts. Hard to put into words.

Do do you know what makes my recovery 100% better?  My Mom.  She came and picked me up from the hospital (car rides suck!) and has been here taking care of me.  She cooks yummy food ( I don’t really have an appetite), helps me get cleaned up, washes and dries my hair, sets her alarm to get up in the middle of the night so I can get my medicine, and keeps me very entertained.  I am so very blessed to have her here.  No body can take care of you like your mom.  I don’t know how people do this without a strong support system.

thank you Mom, this would be HORRIBLE without you. I love you.

Relief

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Whew, what a relief that it’s over!  I ended up being in surgery for 12 hrs.  It seemed short for me, but from listening to other people it was torture.  I remember waking up and thinking “Wow, that was fast!” I asked the nurse in recovery what time it was and he told me  900.  900  pm….holy moley!

So, what does it kfeel like?  It feels like all of my muscles from my belly button to my neck are in one big knot!  It took a while for them to get my pain medication balanced.  I had a morphine PCA and the only thing that really did for me was make me fall asleep.  They took that away early yesterday morning and gave me some Valium ( to help with cramping) and 2 percocets.  That worked miracles!  Then they changed my meds to dilaudid pills.  They did nothing for me either but  make me sleep.  so back to the Percocet I went.  My pain is pretty well controlled now.

My face…let’s talk about this for a minute.  For this procedure, I started laying on my back while the breast surgeon removed all of the tissue.  Then when she was done, the flipped me onto mu front.  Apparently the way I was laying, the tube that supports my breathing put pressure on the sir of my moth.  It’s pretty red a cracked…who wants to kiss me ;).   My chin must have been resting on something because it is all red and swollen.  My entire upper body feels tight, bit let me tell you, I feel so much better today than yesterday.  Yesterday I felt like I got hit by a truck, today I feel like I got run over by a Mini Cooper. hah! ok, this is about as much typing as my T-Rex arms can handle today.

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Of course I did…

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I’m glad I don’t believe in luck because if I did I would be the most depressed person you could meet.  I was letting these two little nuggets outside yesterday and as I was reaching for the door I pulled a muscle in my neck/back.  Seriously…what the hell.  Who does that?  Apparently I do.  Now I smell like icy hot and look like I’m wearing an imaginary cervical collar.

Lola Vee