Tag Archives: God

One year

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One year…

365 days…

That is the amount of time that has passed since my surgery.  This time last November 13 (it was a Wednesday) I was still under anesthesia while doctors were completing my surgery.  In some ways I can’t believe it has been an entire year, and in other ways it feels like my surgery was decades ago.  I had someone ask me today if looking back I would have changed my mind.

No way. No freakin way.

I would do it again if faced with the same predicament (thank goodness that can’t happen)

The past year was quite an experience.  I have learned a lot about myself and others throughout this entire ordeal.  We are all souls that posses a body and boy oh boy did God do an awesome job when he created it.  I think a lot of the time, we as humans look at our bodies being the main entity that possesses the soul.  This is a tragic flaw of the human race.  Instead of looking at ourselves with the respect and awe that we all deserve we get hung up on the physical aspects of our being “why can’t my legs be smaller, or why can’t my nose be smaller?, Why don’t I have curly hair, I hate my waist,etc…” You get my point.  This year has taught me that God constructed my person to be an extremely tough, durable, resilient piece of artwork and I am thankful that he made me this way.  But he has constructed my soul from something tough like titanium.  I am way stonger than I ever imagined I was.  He has also blessed me by surrounding me with an extremely stong support system.  Family, friends, co-workers, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, even random strangers who reached out along the way.  What an awesome feeling knowing that I have multitudes of people who are there to cheer me on.  It’s unreal.  Hopefully someday I will be able to pay it forward to all of you who have lifted me up.  One can hope.

A lot has happened over the last 12 months.

I made it through my recovery, and I must say while it was a grueling process filled with difficult physical hurdles (did I ever mention that I hated PT bahhahahahaha) I  can look back and surprisingly not remember the pain.  There are a few things I do remember like the first time getting up to go to the bathroom right after surgery (OUCH!!!) the drains, and that stupid seroma a.k.a my third boob.  But, the majority of the pain I experienced I cannot remember.

I made it through the implant exchange with flying colors! I went back to work with full ROM in my arms.  It’s hard for me to explain what a big deal that is for me.  Since my lats are in the front now, I had difficulty doing a lot with my arms.  I went from having T-Rex arms to being stronger than I think I have ever been.

I switched jobs. I loved my PACU job and miss all of my co-workers there a ton, but I had the opportunity to work in the NICU which I have always wanted to do.  How blessed am I to be fortunate enough to help prevent myself from being a statistic of breast cancer and score my dream job in one year?!?!? Extremely.

I had nipple grafting surgery.  Unfortunately this was not successful, but if at first you don’t succeed, try,try again.  And I will.  I have an appointment in December to see when we can go ahead with the next attempt.

The thing that I am most proud of that I have accomplished this year was that I hiked the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim.  My good friend Regina asked me to hike with her and I am so proud of us that we did it.  This truly showed how “recovered” I was.  I spent 3 days carrying a pack that weighed 30 lbs. through the Canyon on a 24 mile hike.  I was worried that my lack of muscles in my back would make this too hard.  It didn’t.  Yet again, another example to the strength God instilled in my body.  AWESOME.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be where I am now, I would have laughed in your face.  This year was far from rainbows and butterflies, but it has shown me what I am made of.  I am sure there are more hurdles and bumps to come, but that is life.

Oh what a difference a year can make.

It has been a while…

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It has been a while…

Which is a good thing in my book.  I am finally falling into a nice rhythm.  The nerve pain seems to have eased up a little.  The muscle spasms are much less frequent (thank goodness). Every day is getting easier.  I’m not gonna lie to you, the first month back to work was EXHAUSTING.  I don’t think I have ever been that tired and worn out continually in my life.  But, for all of you out there, it does get better.  I don’t finish every day blown to smithereens.  When I first returned to work, I couldn’t sit down when I got home until I had completed everything I needed to do.  If I did, I would be toast.  Burnt to a crisp kind of toast. There were days that I made that mistake, only to wake up 2hrs later with my badge, shoes, and winter jacket on with my car keys still in my hand.  Now when I get home, I feel like a “normal” person.  Sure, I am tired, but it’s just the kind of tired you get from standing and working all day.  My scars are feeling better.  Regular bras don’t bother my lat scars even close to as much as they did.  I’m not having any pain and my ROM is very good.  No problems reaching for things for this girl.  I have noticed that I have a hard time doing things like tricep dips.  I have a feeling that has to do with the new position of my lats.  I continue to do my PT. It really isn’t difficult anymore, just an annoyance that I have to do it, but I will continue to do it because no matter how much I hated it, I feel that PT helped me the most. So, if there are any words of advice that I can offer someone having this procedure, having gone through it myself, it is DO THE PHYSICAL THERAPY.  I read a lot of other peoples blogs who are still having lots of pain 6 months, a year, 2 yrs out, and I often wonder if they were offered the extensive PT that I was and if they continually did it.  I am almost 2.5 months out from my last surgery and I must say, I FEEL GOOD!!!!  So ladies that are doing research about possibly having this done, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better!  And if any of you out there have questions, leave me a message on here, I will happily answer!  God is good.

And…

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Got filled again today. I didn’t really pay attention to how much he put in, but I must say that my breasts are much more symmetrical now.  I will post a picture of them tomorrow.  I would like to tell you that fills get easier as you go, but actually it the opposite.  Now that I have more sensation, I feel like the fills are more uncomfortable.  I can feel more than just the fullness. BUT…hopefully today was my last fill.  I am SUPER PLEASED with how everything is going.  We talked about implant types and I opted for silicone.  I am not a candidate for a  tear drop shaped implant because of the size of my breasts to begin with ( and end with), they are for women with smaller than a C-cup.  Not me.  My bras look like infant hats. Hah.  So, I will have a smooth round silicone implant placed.  We talked about how much my back is aching and he explained that this is normal because your lats are a major muscle group that help with your posture and now that they are relocated to my breast the other muscles in my back have to compensate so he expects me to get sore.  He said just standing or sitting erect in a chair is a workout for me.  I also spoke with him about sleeping.  I have been having trouble lately because I am a side sleeper and when I wake up I have been sore.  So, I remedied  this by sleeping in the broken recliner.  I have been trying to convince Eric to get a new one, but i don’t think that is going to happen.  When I wake up from this position I can feel the soreness behind my nipple graft, but not on the outside because I still have no sensation there.  Dr. Greaney said I should be much alleviated once these hard expanders are out.  Today he filled the right side only.  He then said he was going to send the nurse in with the implant so I could get an idea of what they were like.   I was sitting in my room with the door shut and I hear them talking about sizes of implants.  The supply closet must have been right by my room, and I hear the nurse say, all I can find are 400’s and the other nurse says, well, what size do you need?   My nurse, Lisa, who is awesome by the way, said ” well I have Traci Rocco in there and Greaney wants to show her the implants.”  The other nurse Anna, who is nice as well kind of chuckles and says “you won’t find any of those in there…we don’t have 700’s” lol.  They all know me by name and know how busty I was before this started.  So Lisa comes back in and says ” here is a 400, your smallest implant will be a little over 700.  ( my right breast is larger than my right).  700?!?!?!?!?!?!?  Holy moley!   Best comment of the day…Julie says to me ” well hey if we are ever swimming together and I feel like I may drown, I’ll just swim over to you and you can keep me afloat”.  She is hilarious and witty and keeps me chuckling.  My mouth hit the floor when Lisa told me how big my implants would be and she laughed and reminded me that I do not have any natural tissue left and that the implant has to make up for that.   I asked Dr. Greaney to just fill me enough that I fit into my skin.  I can’t stress again how great this guy is.  He not once made me feel uncomfortable or tried to push me into something I didn’t want.  And for a person who embarrasses easy in situations like these that’s saying a lot.  I am so excited for my implant exchange.   He keeps stressing how much more comfortable I will be once these hard expanders come out. Expanders are no fun, but we’re not the worst part of the process so I must say I am blessed to have had in reality a small amount of pain in comparison to some things other people go through.   For example Lynn Curry’s (my moms best friend) mother,  is in large amount of pain right now and ended up having an amputation.  Please pray for Lynn and her mother and family today.  So, in reality, my pain was pain, but short lived and controllable.  i am thankful for that.  Others aren’t as fortunate.

Now I am at home in Reedsville for my moms birthday weekend.  Should be a nice relaxing weekend.  I can’t wait to see my little nugget nephews tomorrow, we got home tonight after they were in bed.  Hope  everyone has a wonderful day ahead of them and don’t forget to pray for Lynn’s mom, Lynn, and her fMily.  Even if you don’t know them please do.  God listens.

It’s the little things

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It’s the little things.

It’s amazing how it’s the little thing that really make your day.  These are the things you tend to remember.  It’s that person going out of their way because the wanted to, it’s that person who took a moment to send a prayer because they wanted to, it’s that person who picked up the phone just to say hi because they were thinking about you, and it’s that person who posted something nice on your Facebook wall or sent you a nice pin on Pinterest.  I never really paid attention to the little things.  Well not consciously anyways.  This entire experience has proved to me that the little things matter.  The little things make up the big things.  I have really gotten to take a step back and pay attention to the little things…

a phone call from my brother Michael everyday

a second card in the mail this weekend from my co-workers in PACU just telling me to heal because they miss me at work

countless amount of cards from countless numbers of people

its the wonderfully beautiful pin that Julie Hamilton sent me on Pinterest that made me smile.

its the pictures from my brothers and sisters showing me the funny things that my nephews and nieces are doing, like fake tattoos and an elephant named earplugs

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it’s the message on Facebook from my Aunt Kim telling me a funny story that explains no matter how silly the question, it’s been asked before and is valid.

its the card sent every single day from my Grandma that makes me smile

its Brock Stine who sent me the nicest email anyone has ever sent me

its my sister Annie who came to take care of me one weekend, and who always answers the phone when I need someone to talk to

its Lois Atwood who is my moms friend that doesn’t know me very well but came to visit me and see how I was doing just because she wanted to and prays for me always.

its my brother Patrick surprising me on Thanksgiving by driving up from Nashville

its my sister Amy, her boyfriend Mychal, and my brother Patrick coming to spend New Years Eve with me even though we weren’t doing anything special, just so I could have a fun night

its the many people who left encouraging messages on my blog cheering me on!   I love them

its the super fluffy robe from my Aunt Judy that made pinning my drains after a shower so much easier

its Julie Lurwick who continues to visit me even though I am really no fun

its the people like Kris Armstrong that have offered help and support from afar

its my sister-in-law Erin South who researched bras for me and recommended some

its people like Liz McElroy who has passed my blog on to her plastic surgeon friends so that they can experience from a patients perspective, who also with her other WOCN nurse Kersten sent me a beautiful Sabika breast cancer awareness necklace.

its the phone calls from La at work just checking in even though she’s going through a major health issue herself

its the very thoughtful gifts of things from Bev, Keri, and Julie to help me through my recovery

its the people who took the time to drive here to visit just because they wanted to see me

its all of the people who prayed for me because they loved me enough to do that

its people like Keri Sowers whom I haven’t seen since high school that follows my progress and leaves me wonderful uplifting messages on my blog.

its people like Vera who make little notes on my blog frequently that let me know she is reading and she cares

its my husband Eric that cheers me on everyday while I am doing my exercises, is patient with me because I am still slow, cooks dinner even though he doesn’t really know how and has been known to burn things (it was good),takes the time to talk to me when I am feeling anxious and reassures me that it will be ok, sucking it up and doing all the things I normally do because I can’t yet.  These are little things that to me Are BIG things.

its my Dad who came and spent countless hours doing nothing with me and driving me back to Philly (this is a BIG thing), who cooks dinner for me, who has breakfast and coffee waiting every morning when I get up,  who uses the snowblower to clear my driveway and sidewalks when we get 6 inches of snow

and it’s my mom.  This is a BIG thing and a bunch of little things all wrapped into one.  She was there every step of the way, taking care of me when I had a hard time taking care of myself, taking care of my dogs, sleeping on the couch for weeks because I had to sleep on the recliner just so she could wake up in the middle of the night to give me my medicine, the many,many trips to Philly even though it stressed her out, she cooked a month worth of meals to put in my freezer so dinner would be easy, the phone calls on a random day just to see how I am doing, and the prayers.

And it’s God.  He blessed the hands of the doctors and nurses that took care of me, he heals my body and soul, he is listening to the countless prayers that I have sent up even though I don’t deserve his Grace.  He listened to all of those who prayed for me.  He showed me that people are good and people take the time to show his Grace by doing the “little things”.

See, these are all little things, things that people have done, not thinking twice about doing them that mean so much to me.  It’s these “little things” that helped me get through this.  So, you see, the little things aren’t little things at all.  They are H.   U.   G.   E.  

Thank you everyone.  There are many,many other people who have done “little things” for me that I have not mentioned, but please know I know who you are and I appreciate your love and support and am thankful.  Oh so very thankful.

 

 

 

I have been reading a lot

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I have lots of time in between the exciting schedule I have that I explained in my last post, and my current topic of interest is clean eating. It seems many people lately have this form of cancer or that form of cancer and it’s happening to people younger and younger. I was watching an article on a girl who is 23 and had breast cancer, had a mastectomy reconstruction, radiation, and chemotherapy. 23 Holy crap! That is seriously young. Apparently she had kept her cell phone in her bra and it was precisely that area where the tumor was. They can’t confirm that the cellphone did or did not cause the tumor, but it really got me thinking about my everyday activities and things that I could do to make myself healthier. This poor girls cancer has spread and now she is fighting another battle, my prayers go out to her and her family. I can’t even begin to imagine. As a lot of you know, I work in the PACU (post anesthesia care unit) and I work with people who are just emerging from the anesthesia after surgery. This year I cannot tell you the number of 30 something women who came in and had to have surgery/chemo/radiation for breast cancer. That is me! I am 30 something. What are we doing as a society that is causing cancer to ravage us? I was listening to Howard Stern (I know, very controversial, but he is an intelligent man with a lot of intelligent things to say if you weed through the rest) and his co-host to his radio show, Robin Quivers just had a year from hell. She had a form of uterine cancer that produced a large tumor. We have listened to Howard Stern for years and have heard of all the “new fad” things that Robin does to try and make herself healthier. She became a vegetarian, but she talks about her clean healthy eating style and says that the doctors told her that the rest of her body was in such good health that it helped her pull through and attributed to her recovery. It really got me thinking about all the crap we dump into our bodies. Margarine? One molecule away from plastic? That can’t be good. Using plastic bottles and containers that aren’t BPA free. That can’t be good. Meat and dairy that have been fed hormones and genetically modified diets? Do you know how much pus is in you dairy because of the vigorous milking procedures? Gross. Aspartame? I have read NOTHING good about it. NOTHING. We are what we eat, and holy crap, I need an overhaul on my dietary habits. So this is a goal for me this year. I will not become a vegetarian, I like to eat meat now and then, but I will be trying to eat clean. I am gonna try and remove processed, enriched, chemically altered foods from my diet. It’s gonna take a while to get there, and will need to be a thought in my mind all the time. Hopefully this time next year I will be able to say I am a clean eater. I have been reading a lot from a fellow word press writer, her site is cleaneatingintexas.worpress.com She is very knowledgable and if you wanna check it out its a good place to start. That ends my rant for the day.

My Dad is on his way here to be here with me this week to take me to my Dr.’s appointments. I got a call from him a little bit ago that said he had to pull over because his windshield wipers froze. We are getting freezing rain here now so pray that he makes it safely. I LOVE it that my parents come to help me out. It is AWESOME. They are AWESOME. I am truly blessed.

I am currently reading a book (yes,you read that right, it’s not on my kindle) that my grandmother gave me for Christmas. It’s called Grace Happens Here by Max Lucado.  Very nice, easy read, but there was a little blurb I read today that made me remember that this recovery process is gradual and it’s not gonna happen all at once like I sometimes seem to want it to.  This is the blurb:

You are a trophy of God’s kindness, a partaker of his mission.  Not perfect by any means but closer to perfection than you’ve ever been.  Steadily stronger, gradually better.  This happens when grace happens.

I know this is talking about ones spiritual strength but I took it literally and applied it to my current situation.  Hopefully both spiritually and physically I will be steadily stronger and gradually better.  Thank you for the book Grandma! I love you!

p.s. the boobs are doing great!

Fight like a girl

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I was worried about today and staying home by myself for the first time (I am very capable) but Eric rearranged his schedule so he could work from home. Thank goodness he did. Thank you so much Eric. Vee cut her leg and we couldn’t get it to stop bleeding, I eventually had to wrap a hand towel around her leg and wrap it tight with tape) and apparently Lola has a raging ear infection. We spend a large chunk of our day at the vet. Vee has to wear this stupid collar and take an antibiotic and Lola has to have a medication put in her ear 2x a day And she is quite the diva. You put that stuff in her ear and she runs a circle around the downstairs of the house, stops in front of you, snorts, then flops herself down on the couch and rolls around grunting for a few minutes. This happens about 3 times and then she’s ok. It’s super funny, hopefully I can catch it on video. Poor baby Vee. This collar she has to wear is ridiculous.
Poor vee
I’m glad they didn’t have to put a collar like that on me after my surgery.

I am feeling more settled now today, my anxieties are relieving. God is good. I am able to do a lot more, and I am feeling pretty good. Sure, there are those days when I am sore, but this is to be expected. I am still taking Valium for my muscle spasms but I cut my dose in half (2.5 2 times daily) because I think the side effects are causing me some emotional issues. I don’t struggle with anxiety and depression on a normal basis so those chemicals and pathways in my brain aren’t mixed up. Yes, Valium is used for muscle spasms, but it is mainly used for anxiety and depression. I think it was having the opposite effect on me. I spoke with Dr. Greaney about my need for this medicine and he told me to continue for a few dats after my seroma drainage but if I felt ok to take half for a few days and then none. Unless I was having spasms. I am doing great so far with half the dose. It’s those little things that make you see how you are improving.
I did discover a new talent today. Apparently even though my lat muscles are no longer located in the normal place (they make up the base of my breast) they still function in the same way that they normally would. For example, when I twist off the cap to a water bottle, my boobs flex. It’s the weirdest sensation, but it’s hilarious at the same time. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger very time I open a bottle. Lol. I can beat any man in a pec flexing competition any day of the week. Hah.
Thank you to all of you who prayed for me for being overwhelmed, and thank you to all of you who pray for me just because you do. If means more to me than any gift or treat anyone could give me. Thank you all.

Overwhelmed

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3.2.1….Happy New Year! It’s a time to start fresh and get to write page 1 of your 365 page book. After my family left today, my New year started with feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I was feeling lonely because everyone left, and also just plain worried. Most people would think I would be feeling bad or anxious because I have had a large area of my body removed and replaced, and that I would be having body image issues or feeling a sense of loss. That’s not it at all. I don’t feel any loss other than the loss of the weight of breast cancer hanging over my head, I don’t have body image issues, I think the plastic surgeon is doing a excellent job, and I do not feel like less of a woman, in fact if anything I feel empowered that I took control of something that could hurt me and beat it into the ground. So why am I feeling overwhelmed? I have 5 weeks left of my FMLA and I am still being expanded and have to have an implant exchange as well. That is a short amount of time to get all of that done. I don’t know what the plastic surgeons time frames or expectations are, but I have an appointment Monday so we will have to find out. It just hit me today and I started to become very anxious. FMLA protects my job, and if I am not cleared (I can’t return on light duty) what will happen to my job? Will I lose it? Will they get rid of it? When I go back to work I will have used up all of my FMLA allotted for this rolling year, will have no IPA (medical time off) or PTO (paid time off) left. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not complaining, it’s just added to my anxiety. And all of these thoughts, piled ontop of feeling lonely, feeling like I am going a bit backwards because of my seroma, and the fact that tomorrow will be my first day alone all day made me go into a slight panic mode. (How lucky am I that the first seven weeks of my recovery were spent being taken care of by my husband and family!). I am worried and just overwhelmed. Unknowns are tough. I just need to keep focusing on God and know that he has his plan for me and that’s what will happen. So I am gonna pray and pray hard because right now my stomach is in my throat. I told you all I would try to be honest in this blog, and unfortunately you have days like this where it all just feels like it’s piling on top of you. So if you get a second and feeling like shooting a few words up to THE BIG GUY, please do. I would really appreciate it. Hope you all started your New Year off a little better than me. This too shall pass…

Relief

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Whew, what a relief that it’s over!  I ended up being in surgery for 12 hrs.  It seemed short for me, but from listening to other people it was torture.  I remember waking up and thinking “Wow, that was fast!” I asked the nurse in recovery what time it was and he told me  900.  900  pm….holy moley!

So, what does it kfeel like?  It feels like all of my muscles from my belly button to my neck are in one big knot!  It took a while for them to get my pain medication balanced.  I had a morphine PCA and the only thing that really did for me was make me fall asleep.  They took that away early yesterday morning and gave me some Valium ( to help with cramping) and 2 percocets.  That worked miracles!  Then they changed my meds to dilaudid pills.  They did nothing for me either but  make me sleep.  so back to the Percocet I went.  My pain is pretty well controlled now.

My face…let’s talk about this for a minute.  For this procedure, I started laying on my back while the breast surgeon removed all of the tissue.  Then when she was done, the flipped me onto mu front.  Apparently the way I was laying, the tube that supports my breathing put pressure on the sir of my moth.  It’s pretty red a cracked…who wants to kiss me ;).   My chin must have been resting on something because it is all red and swollen.  My entire upper body feels tight, bit let me tell you, I feel so much better today than yesterday.  Yesterday I felt like I got hit by a truck, today I feel like I got run over by a Mini Cooper. hah! ok, this is about as much typing as my T-Rex arms can handle today.

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Glad you thought of that…

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I have great friends.

great.freakin.friends

They think of things that I will need for after my surgery that didn’t even cross my mind. Apparently they have been doing some research…

Today, Bev, Julie, and Keri asked me to come into the break room at the end of the day.  Today was Danielle’s bridal shower.  Good luck Danielle, I hope your big day is all you want and more.  I figured they wanted me to sit and enjoy another piece of the 8×10 fat girl pizza that we chowed down on at lunch since Julie wasn’t there.

Nope. They had baskets full of stuff for me to help make my recovery easier.

  • 2 new pairs of button up p.j.’s
  • a button up sleep shirt
  • slippers
  • bath gloves (touch yourself and your clean. Stellar)
  • 2 cans of spray deodorant.no hoagies here!
  • a bunch of wife beaters, I’m probably gonna feel like I was beat
  • spray on lotion
  • cottonelle wipes and baby wipes.  (Gosh I hope I can wipe my own ass)
  • a back scratcher ( maybe I can rig up something with this and the cottonelle wipes…hmmm ;))
  • a long handled loofah side note…I love this word. Loofah.looooofah.
  • a super soft comfy blanket (in my favorite color, white)
  • a 4lb bag of candy corn.  I have a serious problem with candy corn, it’s like crack for me. I just can’t say no.  12 step program here I come!
  • super soft socks.  This is gonna be a big issue.  I hate not having socks on. I have been practicing putting them on. but, if I can’t, they bought me…
  • febreeze to spray on my week old crusty socks.  They thought of everything!!
  • chap stick (EOS and Burt’s bees.  My favorites)
  • hand sanitizer
  • a box of individual MiraLAX…nothing like a group of nurses to be concerned about your b-hole! Hah
  • little bottles of body wash because it will be hard to hold big bottles of things.
  • candy…candy…did I say candy?   I’m not a big chocolate fan, but could live on fruity candy like starburst and skittles.  They are fruit right?
  • an electronic toothbrush.  Why didn’t I think of this?
  • Mouthwash.
  • Toothpaste ( I am sensing a trend here. No Dragonbreath here)
  • aquaphor
  • gold bond itch cream
  • small cans of Perrier.  i love this stuff and I drink it like it’s going out of style.
  • coconut water tetra packs.  Another one of my weird obsessions.
  • and a bunch of packs of cinnamint gum. Who needs to brush their teeth when they have all that delicious freshness in a stick?!  Kidding…or am I?
  • and last, but certainly not least, a hot pink and black leopard print GoGo Pillow.  It’s three pillows in one.  It’s multifunctional.  It is hideous.  Hideously awesome.  They get me, they really,really get me.  This pillow proves it.  It’s comforting that my favorites understand and share in my humor.

I love your guts Bev, Julie, and Keri. You are good souls.  And what does that song by the Starsailors say?

“Thank goodness for the good souls. They make life better. As I turn to you and I say. If it wasn’t for the good souls, life would not matter.”

MAD.LOVE